


the mountains know our sins

by nanamilks, wooyoungthighs



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, Gaslighting, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealousy, Jeongin is Chan's adoptive son, Kid Fic, Kid Yang Jeongin | I.N, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, Rich Hwang Hyunjin, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, hyunho is arranged relationship, minchan is endgame, only mentioned - Freeform, winter vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 41,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanamilks/pseuds/nanamilks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wooyoungthighs/pseuds/wooyoungthighs
Summary: A nice winter vacation in the mountains is exactly what Minho needs to start anew. As Minho struggles to define his new relationship, unresolved tension resurfaces and Minho finds himself torn between the stability he has with Hyunjin and the indisputable happiness he feels with Chan.or, Minho meets his ex-boyfriend Chan at a winter resort and his fiancé Hyunjin doesn't appreciate it - especially not when Minho pays more attention to Chan's son than to him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 58
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The christmas minchan fic is here!!! I'm obsessed with this story and I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This fic will probably be in 3-4 parts because I wanted to post it when everyone is still in the christmas mood. 
> 
> This fic wouldn't be possible without nanamilks who had the most genius ideas for not only the big plot points but also all of those little interactions and dialogue bits that I absolutely adore. Without her this fic would literally not exist so I'm extremely grateful ❤ (all of the writing is by wooyoungthighs only)
> 
> Warnings for this fic!!! This is a minchan fic, but despite that, a big part of it is hyunho. To make it work, hyunho is a very toxic relationship and without spoiling too much, as the tags say there is some gaslighting and they're generally not too nice to each other. If that makes you uncomfy maybe skip this one! 
> 
> With that out of the way, enjoy reading!

It took them almost a full day of travelling to get from Incheon to the hotel in S., a small town in the Alps that was just as beautiful as the tourist guide had promised. They arrived rather late, it was already dark when they got off the plane and Minho took his first breath of the alpine air, crisp and freezing cold on the tip of his nose. He had made the right move buying a warm puffer jacket and a scarf specifically for this vacation, Hyunjin was already shivering in his light coat by the time they got to the car rental and dragged them into a clothing store right after, claiming that “I knew it would be cold, just not  _ this _ cold.”

Minho liked the view the most – the little town looked so lovely in the valley, guarded by mountains, standing intimidatingly tall and dark in the night. The snow muffled all sound and Minho found the quietness comforting. It was a good break from life in the city, he decided. The new environment, a different country, a different  _ continent, _ a language Minho didn’t understand and culture he’d learned about from travelling agency advertisements – maybe this would be a good new beginning.

He was finally leaving his old life in Seoul and turning over to a brand new page. He had his fiancé with him, a beautiful diamond ring on his finger, everything that he could possibly want already paid for, three weeks just for them to relax in one of the most romantic resorts in Europe – it was good for him, it would benefit not only his relationship with Hyunjin but also his self-growth. He would finally be able to start anew.

He nodded to himself, looking at the road in front of them. The car was completely silent save for the soft humming of the motor, Hyunjin wanted to focus on the driving as the road was lightly covered in snow and he had to go slower. It also didn’t help that it was pitch black outside and the road snaked around the mountain with sharp turns that he couldn’t see behind. But Minho wasn’t behind the wheel so he was just resting, giving Hyunjin the silence he needed.

They haven’t really spoken on the plane anyway, their longest conversation so far was at the car rental when Hyunjin had debated whether to rent a Volkswagen or a Peugeot, or maybe a Skoda,  _ what do you say? _ – Minho didn’t really care so it was more of a monologue anyway, but he didn’t mind it. Their relationship didn’t need words to be alright. Yeah, they were alright, Minho thought to himself. 

He glanced at Hyunjin: he was very concentrated, with his brows furrowed and his hair was tied so it wouldn’t fall into his eyes and Minho found it endearing. Hyunjin was objectively very attractive, there was no surprise that he was popular with the news back home – they liked to use his pictures whenever his parents’ company was so much as mentioned, so Minho knew he should have considered himself lucky when they were first introduced. And a vacation in such a beautiful place with Hyunjin? He should take a lot of pictures, definitely.

They checked in at the hotel at almost midnight. The hotel was luxurious but not as big as the hotels in big cities, this one was more of a cottage, three floors high set on a mountain, only a short walk away from the nearest chairlift and a blue grade slope for beginner skiing.

“Look at the view!” Hyunjin dropped all of their suitcases by the entrance to their hotel room and instantly ran up to the window, pressing his palms on it like a little kid at a candy store. Minho sighed, took off his jacket and scarf and picked up the suitcases himself, carrying them into the room. There was a king-sized bed in the middle, just one and it dawned on Minho that this vacation would be the longest they would share a bed. He hoped he wouldn’t get sick of Hyunjin’s sleeping habits too quickly.

Pushing the worry into the back of his mind he threw himself onto the bed, face-first and not caring that he still had makeup on. His limbs were so heavy and he couldn’t imagine moving a single finger, the jet-lag was sure going to be horrible. Hyunjin soon joined him, now without a coat either, laying on his side and throwing one arm over Minho’s waist. Slowly, Minho felt the hand hike up his sweater, cold fingers grazing the small of his back in a silent question. 

“I’ve never been this tired in my life,” Minho muttered into the duvet and hoped that Hyunjin would understand him. The hand moved away and within a few minutes Hyunjin was standing up and Minho watched him as he looked at various tourist guide booklets on a little table next to a mini-fridge. He returned with one of them, a thick magazine with a photo of a mountain on the cover and English text.

Hyunjin sat down cross-legged on the bed next to him and Minho watched as he flipped through the glossy pages, barely reading any of the text. Minho got bored quickly and instead decided to start unpacking, at least the essentials he would need for the night.

He slipped off the bed and brought his suitcase under the window. He opened it and took out his bag of toiletries and went to the en-suite (very luxurious as well) to set it down. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw that the flight had taken its toll on him, his hair had close to no product in it and his skin looked rather dull – but they were far from home and the only person he had to worry looking good in front of was  _ maybe _ Hyunjin. So it wasn’t that horrible, he shrugged.

“I wanna try snowboarding!” Hyunjin shouted from the bed.

He couldn’t help the roll of his eyes. “Over my actual dead body, Hyunjin,” he said and went back into the room to find Hyunjin laying on his front, looking at the magazine in front of him while swinging his legs in the air.

He turned the magazine around to show Minho. “What about skiing? I think you could like that?” There was a photo of a happy family in colorful puffer jackets, all standing on skis.

Minho squinted to look. “That looks like a torture device.”

He heard Hyunjin mutter something under his breath but decided to ignore it, walking back to his suitcase. He crouched next to it, moving around a few of the clothing articles to see what else he should unpack when he noticed the tourist guide he had brought from Seoul. Hyunjin spoke up again: “We could see a hockey game? Look, here it says that there is a game every couple days at the stadium.”

Minho inspected his own tourist guide, the corners were worn off and the pictures not as vibrant; it had been folded in multiple places so multiple white lines ran over the various photos, making the text difficult to read. “Say one more straight sport I swear to god Hyunjin,” he said absently, standing up.

He opened his tourist guide on a page with a drawing of the surrounding mountains, various colors marking the individual skiing slopes and lifts so it could be used as a map. There were multiple spots marked in blue and black pen, arrows pointing to places with notes like ‘snow fight here’ in blue and ‘fuck Minho here’ in black and Minho didn’t even realize he was smiling before he heard Hyunjin speak up again.

“So what do  _ you _ want to do?”

He heard Hyunjin stand up and knew he would be standing behind him any second so he closed the guide. “We can go on a walk.”

Their gazes met and Hyunjin was frowning. “A walk? We just flew eighteen hours  _ for a walk,” _ he threw his arms into the air in frustration and Minho sighed, dropping the guide back into his suitcase. He rolled his eyes.

“Oh don’t start Hwang Hyunjin,” he scoffed. They were both obviously tired and the lack of good sleep had definitely made Minho easily irritated.

“It was  _ your idea _ to come here,” Hyunjin pointed out and something about his tone was enough to trigger Minho.

“It was  _ your mother’s _ idea for us to take this vacation in the first place,” he aimed a finger at Hyunjin’s chest. “Speaking of, you should really call her that we got here safely or she  _ will _ go insane.”

Hyunjin appeared to be taking in his words, his jaw clenched as his face said  _ you’re right, _ the face Minho liked the most. He knew his future mother-in-law would be checking her phone non-stop and since it was the morning in Korea at that time, he figured she would like to check up on her darling son. With an overt reluctance, Hyunjin pulled out his phone and unlocked it, his gaze still on Minho.

“Tell her I said hi,” he said and started to walk away in the direction of the door. “And thank her for paying for everything. I’ll be at the bar.”

The door closed shut behind him and Minho found himself in the eerie quietness of the hall. They hadn’t been at the resort for more than an hour and he was already getting worked up over  _ skiing. _ But he just needed a drink and a good night of sleep and it would be alright, he would fuck Hyunjin in the morning and the tension would disappear like it was never there in the first place. 

With that thought, he headed to the bar. It took him a moment to find it, giving him the opportunity to look around the hotel. He loved the cottage style and wooden elements, it felt very cosy and made Minho want to curl up next to a fireplace and drink hot chocolate until all of his doubts would disappear. 

He let out a longing sigh and opened a swinging door that finally led him to the bar. It was just as cosy as the rest of the hotel, the dim yellow lighting allowing the scenery outside to be seen through huge windows at one side of the room with the bar on the opposite side. There was a candle on each little table between cushioned chairs and sofas and Minho knew that together with the colorful rows of liquor, this would be his favorite place in the resort. There was soft classical music playing and as Minho looked around he noticed that it had started snowing outside, covering the wrap-around balcony in a soft white pillow that sparkled in the candlelight.

Tearing his gaze from the view he quickly located a free seat at the bar and rushed to occupy it. There was an old Italian couple bickering on his left side and a young man flirting with a girl on the right and although that wasn’t the optional environment for him to relax in, he would take it. There was alcohol in front of him and all he now had to worry about was which one to choose.

It was a real problem, he realized rather late. His English wasn’t the best and he didn’t know any other European language so he would have to rely on his index finger when the bartender would eventually come to serve him, so he was limited to the hard liquor on the shelves.  _ Oh well, _ he shrugged to himself, his mind already made up when he caught a bit of conversation that was happening next to him.

_ “Do you work out?” _ The lady said in English and Minho turned his head to look at her from behind the man’s back. She had long straight blond hair and her hand was gently squeezing the man’s arm, feeling for muscle. The man laughed, no,  _ giggled, _ shy like it was the first time he had ever heard that and Minho had to smirk to himself, it was endearing, it almost reminded him of – no, he stopped himself.  _ New beginnings. _

_ “Not as much as I’d like to,” _ the guy admitted and Minho’s blood ran cold. That sounded exactly like  _ him. _ He hadn’t heard a voice like this in over two years. It wasn’t good, his heart started to pound in his chest and he tried to decide whether to run away, but his brain had turned into complete mush.

_ “Come on, you’re…” _ the woman said something Minho didn’t understand but followed with a sentence he definitely recognized.  _ “Do you wanna talk more in my room?” _

The man exhaled and Minho could already feel the rejection.  _ “I’d like to, but I’m sort of… here with my kid.” _ Out of everything, Minho definitely hadn’t expected  _ that. _ It only added to his suspicion but he couldn’t even move at that point, his legs were numb where they rested on the bar stool.

It took the woman off guard as well and Minho didn’t even have to look to know she immediately changed her expression from flirty to disappointed, the change apparent enough in her voice.  _ “Oh… sorry. I don’t think that’s really… my thing. Don’t take it personally. But thank you for the drink!” _ She left with the clinking of her jewellery and the man sighed, turning to rest both of his arms on the bar, head hanging low.

The panic started to set in when Minho finally saw the man’s profile, the sharp jaw, the big nose, the full lips, he couldn’t stop staring, what were the odds? 

“Chan,” he nearly whimpered and it was so embarrassing, he wanted to take it back immediately but the man was already turning his head to look at him, eyes wide in shock.

“M-Minho,” he said and a smile lit up on his face. If the lights weren’t so dim Minho was sure he would see a blush but his heart was beating so violently he couldn’t focus on anything else, he wanted to leave, maybe they would still get a refund if they changed hotels now, maybe Hyunjin could make a scene and they would fly back to Seoul and Minho would hope that the city jungle would be enough to hide in.

But his legs didn’t move, his throat closed up so no words would come out and the dense silence was slowly becoming suffocating.

_ “Can I get you anything, gentlemen?” _ The bartender’s voice tore them out of the moment and Minho could finally breathe, finally there was no burning gaze on him and he could finally think. Quickly he realized that he had forgotten his order and he was already opening his mouth to stutter an excuse when Chan spoke up again.

He didn’t understand the order but saw the two fingers that Chan lifted up and realized that he had ordered for the both of them. Soon the bartender was filling up two glasses with red wine and passing them over the counter. Minho watched as Chan took his glass and brought it to his lips, reluctantly reaching for the other glass himself. The sweetness was subtle, it was tart just the amount Minho liked and part of him wanted to ask what the bottle was called, but a bigger part of him knew that he had more pressing matters to attend to.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Chan finally broke the ice and Minho kept his gaze on the wine swirling in the glass.

“You’re here with Jeongin?”

Chan hummed. “Yeah. My boss told me that I have three weeks of mandatory vacation and Jeongin kept begging me that he wanted to build a snowman like in that cartoon.”

Minho turned his head to look at him and found Chan already staring.

“He’s five now,” Chan continued with a smile and Minho recognized that one, it was a smile he had strictly reserved for Jeongin. He looked away. “I wonder if he’d still recognize you.”

Minho felt a weight on his chest. Jeongin was his biggest regret. He wished he could have spent more time with the child.

“Are you here with anyone special?”

He let out a scoff, of course he was, why else would he be in such a romantic place? “Yeah,” he nodded.

Chan didn’t say anything so Minho looked at him to see him pointing at the hand he held his glass in. “Is  _ that _ from your special someone?”

Minho hated him, he hated how Chan was always so gentle, so careful to not say anything hurtful, he just  _ had _ to ask like that, why couldn’t he have cursed him out for bringing his boyfriend here from all places? He had to order him a good glass of wine and talk like nothing had happened and they were friends reuniting after years of not seeing each other, asking about their partners and family life like it was the most normal thing to do.

He put the glass down and looked at his hand, a thin silver band wrapped around his ring finger. 

“Yeah,” he confirmed, biting his lip. 

“Are those diamonds?”

“VVS, yes,” he explained, looking at the row of gems nestled in the metal. “But he told me that he’d get me a bigger one for the wedding.”

Chan raised his eyebrows in surprise, mouth gaping open. Then he nodded in awe. “Congratulations, Minho.” It sounded sincere and Minho had to bite the inside of his cheek to not scoff.

He didn’t reply, bringing the glass to his mouth and taking a large gulp instead. “Have you been here for a long time?

Chan pressed his lips together to think. “We arrived the day before yesterday but Jeongin is still pretty jet-lagged so we haven’t gotten out too much.”

“And you’re here for how long?”

“We’re leaving on the 28th, so about three weeks from now?”

Minho winced inwardly, that meant they would be at the same hotel for the entire vacation. He became more and more determined to try and change the hotel as soon as possible. 

“You?”

“About the same, actually,” he said after swallowing the rest of the wine. 

“Great! Do you guys have anything fun planned?” Minho glared at him, Chan was so polite and he loathed it, the small talk was unbearable, why did he care what he and Hyunjin did anyway? If he were to tell him that they had planned to fuck until one of them would drop dead from exhaustion, would that move him? Or would he simply reply with  _ that sounds like fun! _ and order them another round of wine?

“I think I should go before my fiancé starts looking for me,” he said, pushing the glass away from him and standing up, not sparing Chan another glance. “Thank you for the drink.” He bit his lip when he heard himself, realizing that he had rejected Chan just like the blonde woman before him had. He felt bad, but not enough to return.

It was only when he was pushing the door of the bar open that he realized just how much he had been sweating, his hands clammy on the wood so he rubbed them against his pants until the odd feeling disappeared.

“Minho, wait,” he heard when he was already on his way to the staircase. It sent a shiver down his spine and he once again froze in the spot, one hand on the wall to support himself. He didn’t turn around and Chan eventually caught up to him, walking around him to face him. There it was again, that look of compassion and Minho felt dizzy. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t want to look like I’m prying into your and your fiancé’s business. I already have my hands full with Jeongin and his prepubertal fits,” he chuckled to lighten the mood but his smile disappeared when Minho didn’t reciprocate it. “If you want – we can pretend we don’t know each other.”

Minho swallowed dryly and had to clear his throat before he could talk again. “That would probably be for the best.”

He left immediately, his ears buzzing as he ascended the stairs to his floor. So much for new beginnings, he hated himself for choosing the hotel, for choosing Europe in the first place, they could have just gone to Fiji like Hyunjin had wanted, that way he wouldn’t be stranded in freezing cold in a country he didn’t know the language of, having to hear about Hyunjin’s interest in snowboarding and about what his mother had told him about a particular brand of cheese from that area. By the time he got to their hallway he was almost sprinting, the realization dawning on him that there was no way he could convince Hyunjin to change hotels without raising suspicion.

With the pathetic beep of his key card he entered their hotel room. It felt like a walk of shame, he was returning in defeat to Hyunjin not even thirty minutes after their argument, of course he would return to Hyunjin, where else would he go? 

“Is the bar any good?” Minho looked at Hyunjin laying in their bed, on his stomach under the covers while scrolling on his phone. The lights were already off saved for the small lamp on the bedside and Minho wondered if Hyunjin had been waiting for him to come back.

“The wine is nice,” he said, taking off his sweater to change into his sleepwear. 

“We should check it out together next time,” Hyunjin said absently and Minho could see on his face, illuminated by the screen, that he was very focused on whatever social media he was browsing. Then, with his brows furrowed he met Minho’s gaze. “Since when do you drink wine?”

Minho shrugged, throwing on a loose t-shirt. “I’ve always drunk wine.”

Hyunjin looked him up and down before letting it go and turning his attention back to his device. “So are you drunk?”

“I had one glass, relax,” Minho said, joining Hyunjin under the duvet. He stared into the ceiling and briefly wondered if he should tell Hyunjin about Chan, maybe put it as a funny anecdote,  _ you won’t believe who I’ve run into!, _ but the more he thought about it the less he wanted to talk about it. He didn’t need to open the closet of skeletons on the very first day of their vacation and they had agreed to ignore each other anyway. There was no real reason to tell Hyunjin, he would just blow it out of proportion if he would even care.

Hyunjin set his phone down and moved to look at Minho while supporting himself on his elbows. He had his hair down and it obscured his view but he was already lowering himself to kiss Minho on the lips, lingering for long enough for Minho to get a grasp of the situation. Hyunjin kissed him in a way that perfectly conveyed his need, it was subtle but laced every single kiss and was therefore impossible to miss. So he captured Hyunjin’s lips in another kiss, one that said  _ do whatever you want to me, _ letting Hyunjin lick into his mouth and straddle his hips until all he could think about was the arousal burning in his abdomen and the tight heat around his cock, Hyunjin’s pretty face blissed-out above him as he spilled into him with a muffled moan. 

Minho enjoyed the balance that sex with Hyunjin gave him, it stopped the ground from warping under him, the scales were level once again. 

They agreed on a compromise. Still tired from their journey, they spent the next day relaxing in their hotel room and took a short walk around the premises, avoiding deeper snow and huddling together to share some of their body temperatures; Hyunjin especially liked to hold hands in the pocket of Minho’s jacket. After not bumping into Chan for the entirety of one day Minho gained some confidence and for the next day agreed to help Hyunjin in figuring out how to get a lift pass, rent snowboarding equipment and then they would head to the town for a meal and shopping. 

They headed to the front desk first thing after breakfast as Hyunjin was very excited to finally get on a snowboard. The receptionist was nice, she was trying her best to accommodate the guests and help with their needs but Minho didn’t even have to understand what Hyunjin was saying to know he was unhappy about the options; or maybe he just wanted to get preferential treatment by flashing his Rolex watch and sighing exaggeratedly. 

Minho hadn’t been paying attention since Hyunjin had asked to see a manager. He was leaning against the reception counter with his elbows and observing the hotel lobby instead. He saw a variety of people, elderly, kids with sleds dragging their parents by their sleeves, couples with hands laced and little hearts in their eyes whenever their gazes met… It almost made him jealous. But Hyunjin was with him so hopefully soon they would be walking hand in hand and enjoying their time together too. 

Glancing around his shoulder again to see if Hyunjin had progressed in giving the receptionist hell, he sighed again and looked back into the lobby. His heart stopped when he saw a familiar figure rounding the corner from the hallway and entering the lobby, this time with a little kid by his side.

The entire world stopped around him when Chan’s eyes met his, he could have expected bumping into him again but it was odd, he wasn’t meant to recognize him now, he should have looked away and pretended like he was immersed in Hyunjin’s exclusive VIP lift pass–

_ “Dad!” _

There was a yell, high pitched that made the entire lobby look at the source of the excited scream but Minho already knew – it was Jeongin. The little kid, previously walking along with Chan, was now running up to Minho, sparks in his eyes as he sprinted between pieces of furniture and people walking by to jump into Minho’s arms. He didn’t even realize he was crouching down, an overwhelming surge of happiness washing over him as he ignored everything else around him and lifted Jeongin into the air, delighting in the little squeals that he let out as Minho spun him around. He was really much older now but Minho could still recognize the facial features he’d had since he was a baby and he wanted to cry in joy.

“Innie, you’ve grown so much,” he ruffled his hair, now holding him on his arm. “How’s my boy, hm?”

“We’re going to play in the snow,” Jeongin answered and that was when Chan walked up to them, holding a certain distance but definitely not enough to look like they’re strangers. So much for pretending.

He looked at Chan who was equally flustered and for a moment they were both smiling because of Jeongin, he brought happiness to both of them and neither could deny it. But they had also agreed on something and Chan definitely had to see that Minho was  _ with someone _ at the moment and that this definitely wasn’t a good time to ask about preschool or whether Jeongin was learning to read yet. He wanted to, if he could he would spend the whole day playing with Jeongin, but then Chan was looking at him like he could read his mind and his smile faltered.

“Dad, can he come with us too?” Jeongin asked Chan who winced, knowing he would disappoint him.

“Sorry Innie, I can’t go today, I’m busy,” Minho said before Chan could even open his mouth. He set Jeongin down to stand on his own and Chan promptly took his hand. “But you two have fun, yeah? Do you have a hat to stay warm?”

He was asking Jeongin but it was Chan who answered, pulling a red knitted hat out of his pocket. “He  _ has _ a hat but refuses to wear it, right?”

They were now both crouching next to Jeongin to be at his level and Minho ignored the tugging in his chest that reminded him of how domestic this felt. Without meeting his eyes he took the red knit from Chan’s hands and pulled it over Jeongin’s head. “You’ll wear it for me, though,” he said and although Jeongin didn’t look too happy about it, he nodded. “That’s right.”

Minho stood up and Chan followed. Their gazes met and Minho was at a loss for words, he wanted to save the situation by loudly announcing that they don’t know each other but knew how absurd that would be, yet there was nothing nicer to say, he didn’t want to say  _ see you later _ because that would mean he wanted to see Chan again – but then, he did want to see Jeongin. 

“Let’s go, Innie,” Chan said lightly, quickly raising excitement in the little kid. “The snowman won’t build itself! Now, say bye to Dad,” he said and immediately bit his lip, Minho could see the shock in his eyes when he realized he had just referred to Minho as Jeongin’s dad, but luckily Jeongin didn’t even hesitate.

“Bye!” He waved and started tugging on Chan’s sleeve so he would follow him outside. Chan gave him one last look, a smile and a raise of his eyebrows, he was just as speechless as Minho and something about that felt very comforting.

He watched as they exited the building, Jeongin was jumping on the pavement to avoid the gaps between the tiles and Chan watched him with so much adoration that he could almost see himself there with them. With Jeongin.

Absently, he turned back to Hyunjin to find him already staring. He had almost forgotten that he was even there. “Who was that?” he asked and Minho was relieved to find his voice disinterested.

“Just a friend from university,” Minho shrugged, it wasn’t far from the truth. Sure, they had history but nothing so important that Hyunjin had to know about it.

Hyunjin lifted his chin, opening his mouth to say something else but it was the receptionist who interrupted him and Hyunjin quickly lost interest. 

They didn’t manage to get a VIP lift pass, which Hyunjin was furious about, ranting about it to Minho for the entirety of their drive to the town. Minho wasn’t too sure what a VIP lift pass would be but he was content just nodding along to Hyunjin’s dramatic retelling of the negotiation. His heart rate still hadn’t calmed down after seeing Chan in the lobby so he was glad he didn’t have to lead the conversation; not that he would, anyway. 

The drive to S. didn’t take more than twenty minutes including looking for parking. Hyunjin left the car right next to the beginning of a pedestrian zone where most of the historical sights and shops were and Minho took about hundred pictures of the gorgeous buildings before Hyunjin could even finish parallel parking. 

Needless to say, Hyunjin wanted to stop at almost every single shop they passed by. He argued that they better start buying souvenirs now so they won’t have to think about it for the rest of the vacation, but about ten shops and one argument later, the only ‘souvenir’ he had was a pair of Swarovski earrings for his mum – the rest of his shopping bags was for him. There was a cardigan he bought for Minho and a jacket he said they could share but Minho didn’t feel too good about Hyunjin paying for everything so he just said he didn’t want anything.

“You won’t  _ owe _ me anything, Minho,” Hyunjin had told him when he tried to convince him to buy a ridiculously expensive silky shirt but Minho only shook his head.

“It’s ugly anyway, I don’t want it, okay?” Hyunjin looked at Minho as if he was trying to see through a lie but eventually shrugged, shoving the shirt under his arm to buy for himself. They were on the eleventh shop now, barely making progress through the street and Minho’s feet hurt, but looking at jewellery and clothes had its charm even when he wasn’t buying anything. He especially liked to browse racks of designer pieces, feeling the various fabrics between his fingers and imagining himself wearing them.

Hyunjin soon joined him on the opposite side of the rack he was browsing but his furrowed brows tipped Minho off that there was something he wanted to talk about. His gaze flitted between the pieces he was looking at and Hyunjin who was stuck on one polo shirt in particular. He kept opening his mouth and closing it, Minho could practically hear the wheels turning in his head and he had to chuckle, he reminded him of a fish gasping for air. But he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of asking  _ what’s wrong? _ so instead, he just moved to another rack.

Hyunjin followed right after him, this time leaning his arms on the top of the rack. Minho gave him a look to hopefully prompt him to speak.

“Who was the guy at the front desk?”

Minho scoffed, Hyunjin was so predictable it was laughable. He gave him another look just to see what he would say.

“I’m just… confused. It’s been racking my mind since we left.”

“More than your platinum double-diamond v-i-p lift pass? The one where a helicopter takes you up a mountain and then the president thanks you for your service?”

Hyunjin sighed, fixing him with a deadpan stare. “Come on, just tell me.”

Minho pulled out a clothing hanger from the rack, looking at the blouse hanging from it. “I told you, he’s a guy I went to school with. Crazy how the world is small like that, right?” It would be a question if Minho didn’t say it in such a flat voice.

“Minho,” Hyunjin warned him and part of that ticked him off, who was he to warn him? He didn’t owe him anything and he definitely didn’t owe him this conversation. He wanted to tell him that it was none of his business who he was talking to, and why didn’t he believe him in the first place anyway?

“What?”

Lowering his voice, Hyunjin spoke to him directly, not breaking eye contact. “A little kid runs up to you, calling you  _ dad, _ you haul him into the air like it’s your firstborn but then barely look at the dude. I’m not too stupid to put two and two together.”

Minho felt his face burning. He looked away, directing his gaze to the blouse he was holding in his hand. “Well then why do you ask if you’re so smart?”

He heard Hyunjin stomp lightly on the floor and glanced at him to see him throwing his hands into the air. “Geez, sorry for being a caring boyfriend then.”

Something moved in him. Wouldn’t it be the more suspicious if he completely avoided the question? Maybe Hyunjin would get paranoid, he’d always managed to get to the most absurd conclusions just from gossip and nothing was stopping his delusional mind from thinking that Minho was cheating on him. Of course Minho wasn’t, he would never cheat but Hyunjin liked to imagine things. He sighed in defeat. “Fine. We had a fling in grad school.”

Hyunjin lifted his brows to prompt him to continue. “And the kid is his?”

Minho had managed to block that part of memory and it took him a deep breath to even get the words out. He focused on the voice in his head that told him this was for the benefit of their relationship. “It’s his sister’s. She died in an accident and Chan adopted her kid so he would stay in the family.” He thought about the facial features that Jeongin shared with Chan and wondered if he would share some personality traits as well. “So Chan got a job, got an apartment where all three of us could live and then worked his ass off to afford everything.”

Hyunjin listened attentively, leaving a moment of silence to process everything. Then he nodded and went to wrap Minho in a gentle hug. He pulled away, holding Minho’s face in his cold hands. “Thank you for telling me. You’re with me now, yeah? You don’t have to worry about that kid anymore.”

Minho nodded absently and forced a smile, not sure if that was the takeaway he wanted Hyunjin to get. But it was good, he maintained his trust and there would be no misunderstandings now. He didn’t even have to avoid Chan anymore, if he were to see him in the hallway he would nod at him in greeting and then continue talking to his fiancé because Chan was in the past and had no effect on his current relationship.

Hyunjin cleared his throat, moving back to the clothing rack and leaning against it. “That color suits your skin tone,” he pointed at the shirt Minho forgot he was holding. He looked at it again and returned it back on the rack.

“It’s ugly.”

Hyunjin chuckled. “Knew you’d disagree,” he hummed, a self-satisfactory smirk like a punch in Minho’s face. “I can’t believe that kid likes you. Till today I couldn’t imagine you being nice to a child.”

“What do you mean? You act like a child and I’m nice to you.”

_ “This _ is nice?”

Minho chuckled and walked to another part of the store, rolling his eyes to himself when he heard Hyunjin follow him. He liked how easy Hyunjin was to tease, he wanted to press on but maybe this was a good opportunity for more, he already had his foot in the door, shopping always put Hyunjin in a good mood. Without turning around – he knew Hyunjin was right behind him by the sound of his Louis Vuitton boots on the marble floor – he managed his most convincing tone: “I have to be nice to that kid, okay? He had a rough time and I can’t just reject him every time he wants to play.”

His throat was dry, it made him dizzy just to say it out loud, he hated himself so much and the only good thing was that Hyunjin couldn’t see his face right now. It was also a good thing Chan couldn’t hear him, he wasn’t going to admit to his mistakes just like that. He felt Hyunjin’s hand on the small of his back, it burned through the puffer jacket straight into his skin. “Of course, I understand that,” he muttered but nothing about his voice felt calming. “He did call you  _ dad, _ so you can’t really escape it, huh.”

“No,” Minho choked out. Part of him wanted to scream at Hyunjin that he didn’t understand, Minho wasn’t worried about  _ Jeongin _ being too attached – but maybe this was for the best. 

He bit his lip, finally taking a proper look at what he was standing in front of. It was a little table with various knick-knacks, christmas themed socks and candles. It was the centrepiece that caught his attention – an orange fox plushie with a huge head and fluffy fur. He picked it up without thinking, burying his fingers into the soft fur and looking into its big black eyes.

After a moment of silence, Hyunjin spoke up again. “For the kid?”

Minho couldn’t bring himself to answer so he shrugged instead. Hyunjin took the toy from his hands, turning it over with childlike joy.

“Let’s buy it, you can give it to the kid as a christmas present. Just to be polite, you know?”

Minho squinted at him to see through a lie but Hyunjin was sincere, still smiling at the plushie like he wanted it for himself too. It felt like a bad joke, his fiancé wasn’t supposed to be buying gifts for his ex-boyfriend’s son, it was all upside down, none of this was supposed to happen. 

He swallowed, hoping that Hyunjin didn’t see panic in his eyes, and looked away. 

“Sure. He’ll love it.”

  
  
  


Minho avoided Chan for the next two days, taking Hyunjin’s offers to do day trips to other towns in the area for additional shopping without hesitation. It was Hyunjin who told him on the third day that he had had enough and that he wanted to do something else for a change. With that, he shut the door to the bathroom to take a shower, letting Minho have a moment to think it over. 

Minho scoffed, Hyunjin was having an attitude again. They  _ had _ to do everything together, they couldn’t just spend the day how each of them wanted and then meet in the evening to fuck. But then, Minho wouldn’t really know what to do either. Spending the day relaxing in one of the big chairs at the bar with the breathtaking view sounded tempting, but there was a risk of bumping into Chan again. Maybe if he went to the forest and wandered around until he would forget about having to return…

He approached the window, twisting his fingers together. He watched as delicate snowflakes descended from the sky, being carried by wind to treetops and red roofs, silencing the valley from saying the obvious. Minho wouldn’t hear it, anyway, he knew he had gotten over Chan and what he was feeling – it was nothing but nostalgia. And he was in a foreign place so of course he would want to spend time with people of the same nationality, of course it felt like home. 

His gaze fell to the fox plushie they had bought on their first shopping trip. It was perched on top of the pile of paper bags with brand names in bold lettering, it stood out like a sore thumb so Minho picked it up, looking into its black, mocking eyes. 

He wasn’t sure what compelled him; maybe it was the plushie, the weight on his chest, the sound of water running in the shower, Hyunjin took forever shaving his entire body. He found himself on the staircase, headed down to the second floor. He had seen Chan the day before, on coincidence as he and Jeongin made their way to their hotel room just as Minho was walking up the stairs, giving him a split second to notice them opening the door at the very end of the hall, the one on the right. That was where he ended up, holding the plushie in one hand, the other hovering in the air to knock on the door.

The door opened within a few seconds, catching him off guard. He hadn’t given it too much thought, he didn’t really want to talk to Chan, he just wanted to get rid of that stupid plushie and maybe chat with Jeongin before Hyunjin would start looking for him.

Chan had to blink a couple of times to realize it was Minho standing in front of him, eyes wide in surprise. “Hey,” he said and Minho already wanted to leave. Of course Chan had still been wearing those sleeveless tops that left little to the imagination, he would have never admitted how hot he looked in them but had always made sure to parade himself around the apartment, tempting Minho – the Minho from the past. Today, Minho only rolled his eyes. “What’s up?”

“Is Jeongin home?”

He heard a high-pitched squeal from the en-suite and suddenly Jeongin was running up to him with a toothbrush in one hand and toothpaste smeared in the corners of his mouth. He couldn’t help but to smile, crouching down to be on the same level as him. “Good morning,” he said, ignoring Chan standing above them. “I got something for you.”

He revealed the plushie, holding it in front of him ceremoniously as his heart picked up a pace. He really wanted Jeongin to like the toy and it didn’t help that he could feel Chan’s piercing gaze on him.

Jeongin pounced on him, throwing himself into Minho’s embrace to seize the fox plushie and Minho had never felt so happy, he never wanted the fluttering in his chest to stop, Jeongin liked the gift and nothing could have ever prepared him for the little ‘thank you’ he heard him say against his chest, he was  _ so happy, when was the last time I felt this happy? _

Jeongin pulled away, completely mesmerized by the plushie. Minho could see the joy in his eyes as he struggled to hold both the toothbrush and the toy and for a second Minho completely forgot where he was, hearing the soft laughter above him and looking up to see Chan, equally as pleased with the scene. Their eyes met and it felt like back then, when they first got Jeongin and it took them up to hours to make the baby fall asleep at night and when Jeongin finally did they shared that exact same look, the look full of love that transcended just the two of them,  _ we were so happy. _

Chan’s smile faltered the slightest bit and that brought him back to reality. “You have…” he pointed at him hesitantly before chuckling and directing his gaze to Jeongin. “Innie, go wash up,” he told him, taking the plushie from his hands, “I’ll hold onto this until you’re clean.” Jeongin was visibly disappointed, furrowing his brows to object, but then Chan pointed in the direction of the en-suite, stern look that left no space for discussion and Jeongin stomped away.

Minho stood up, already thinking of how to get out of the situation when Chan spoke up again.

“That little rascal smeared toothpaste on you,” he scratched the back of his neck and Minho looked down onto his clothes in horror. Luckily he was wearing a cream-coloured sweater so he just brushed the stains off, leaving just a couple of wet spots that would be dry in no time. 

“Oh, thanks,” he muttered. This time it was Chan who was avoiding his gaze. 

“Thank you for… this,” he said, holding up the fox plushie. Minho had half the mind to tell him that Hyunjin had bought it, that it wasn’t really  _ from _ him, but the smile on Chan’s lips stopped him. “I can see it means a lot to him… y’know. To have something from you.”

Minho swallowed dryly, biting into his cheek. He nodded. “I should go. Before Hyunjin starts looking for me.”

Chan nodded, realizing that there was not much to say anyway. “Take care,” he said, void of emotion, or at least of the one he wanted to convey. 

He had no idea how he got back to his hotel room. One moment he was biting his lip to prevent himself from saying more, the next he was closing the door behind him and resting his back against it with his heart pounding out of his chest. Hyunjin was just getting out of the shower, patting his hair with the complimentary towel and giving Minho an odd look.

“Going anywhere?”

_ Yeah, _ he wanted to say,  _ away. Don’t come looking for me. Tell Chan I’m sorry. _

Hyunjin was calling at him from the depth of the ocean, he could barely hear him. “If you want we can go shopping again, if it makes you happy?”

_ If it makes you happy? _

There was a knock at the door and Minho turned around in a haze to open the door. It was Jeongin again, this time with no toothpaste on his face, cradling the orange plushie in his arms. His eyes were lit up with excitement and although it hurt a little bit, Minho found himself mirroring his smile.

“Innie, what are you doing here?” He looked into the hall but Chan was nowhere to be seen.

“I wanna go on the chairlift with you,” he said, squeezing the toy between his fingers. “We were on it yesterday and it was so awesome! You need to try it!”

Minho didn’t even realize Hyunjin was standing behind him before he spoke up over Minho, just as he was about to decline. “Yeah, let’s go! That’s an awesome idea, I’ve been trying to get Minho on the lift this whole time.”

Minho furrowed his brows at him, was Hyunjin not realizing that they would go with Chan? With Minho’s ex-boyfriend? 

“Jeongin,” a lecturing voice said and Minho turned back around to see Chan in the doorway, lifting Jeongin into the air to hold him. “What did I tell you about running off? And what did I tell you about bothering…”  _ dad, _ Minho almost heard. Chan gave him an apologetic look, his gaze flitting between him and Hyunjin. “I’m sorry about him, he’s–”

“It’s fine,” Hyunjin said with a smile and Minho couldn’t believe his ears. “We can join you at the lift if Jeongin wants to.”

Minho gave him another look,  _ are you kidding me?, _ but Hyunjin wouldn’t budge. 

“Minho has been begging me to go on a hike anyway, right?”

“Yeah,” he heard himself saying. “Why not. We haven’t made any plans for today anyway.”

Chan raised his eyebrows at him. He opened his mouth to say something before deciding to turn to Jeongin instead. “What do you say, Innie?”

  
  
  


They decided to meet in front of the chairlift in an hour which Minho hoped would be enough time for Hyunjin to blow dry his hair and go through his seven-step skincare routine, and for him to buy the ticket for the lift, while not enough for him to start overthinking the idea. He did ask Hyunjin why he had agreed to the idea, to which he heard the most ridiculous answer Hyunjin had ever given him: “He’s just too adorable to say no to.”

Minho scoffed, was Hyunjin right in the head?

“What’s with that look?”

Minho gestured into the air as they made their way outside. “So you don’t think it’s weird? That we’re hanging out with my ex-boyfriend?”

“Should I mind?”

“No,” Minho said maybe too quickly so he bit his lip. He buried his nose into his scarf as the cold air attacked them in gusts of wind. 

“So, it’s just like we’re hanging out with friends. I’m way more attractive than Chan anyway,” he said proudly and to that Minho couldn’t help but to scoff, laugh into his scarf before he realized what Hyunjin had said. He felt blood rush into the tips of his ears, he had caught himself red-handed – mindlessly admitting something so taboo yet so obvious, something he wasn’t even able to take back. But Hyunjin didn’t even notice, so convinced of his own truth, and laughed with Minho, shoving his hand into his pocket to lace their fingers together. 

Maybe he should finally start considering Chan his friend. To this day he had been his ex-boyfriend and it hadn’t felt right to him – perhaps having Chan as a friend could be a good new beginning. Perhaps he would finally get rid of that heaviness in his stomach whenever he saw him.

Soon they were close enough to the lift they could see Chan and Jeongin already waiting there. The line to the lift was already pretty long, dozens of adults and children on skis and snowboards slowly moving to board the lift, chatting and shouting mixing with the buzz of the lift. Minho could feel Hyunjin practically vibrating next to him in excitement as he looked at the snowboarders sliding down the slope with practised elegance.

Chan had Jeongin sat on his shoulders so he could see the lift properly, watching the huge machine spin and rattle the seats around to take people up the hill. Jeongin was completely mesmerized by the metal contraption that he barely noticed Minho and Hyunjin approach and Minho took the opportunity to take both of his hands out of pockets and release the grip Hyunjin had on him – it felt odd to have Jeongin see him affectionate with Hyunjin, he would rather act like it was Hyunjin who was his friend. 

It hadn’t really clicked in Minho, not when they’d made the plan and not even as they stood in the line for the lift. It should have clicked when Chan gave him concerned looks and asked if he would be alright but Minho was way too immersed in his conversation with Jeongin that he hadn’t paid it any attention. The chairlift had three seats and at first they thought that Chan and Jeongin would go together on one set of seats while Minho and Hyunjin would get on another – unfortunately, that wasn’t what the lift operators liked, so suddenly Minho found himself being rushed onto the same set of seats as Chan and Jeongin, leaving Hyunjin to get the next one. Which is when he realized it.

_ “Fuck,” _ he announced as they were lifted into the air, quickly ascending above the trees on nothing but a set of metal seats. “I hate this, Chan, I hate this,” he spluttered, gripping onto the metal railings with so much force that his knuckles turned white, his heart pounding in his chest. All he could focus on was their distance from the ground and the movement of the lift that made him feel like they were going to tip over at any moment and fall into the white abyss underneath.

Then there was a hand on his knee,  _ Chan’s hand, _ it was so warm, he had completely forgotten how  _ Chan _ had felt – it brought him right out. “Hey,” Chan said when their eyes met. “Don’t swear around the children, yeah?”

It was so gentle, so caring that Minho couldn’t even find the bitterness in him to retort like he would if it were Hyunjin. He chuckled instead, his ears still ringing. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it would be so high…”

Chan squeezed his knee but his hand wasn’t moving away. “Are you gonna be alright? It’s pretty high but… safe.”

Minho swallowed, determined to not look under his feet, he had to be brave even if it was just because he didn’t want Jeongin to think that he was weak. Jeongin was looking at him with worry already, he had to be strong for him. So he focused his gaze on him and Chan. “Yeah, it will be fine, I just… won’t look and… won’t think about it.” 

At that Jeongin relaxed and started to look around, taking in the view – it was beautiful, Minho was sure, but he couldn’t bring himself to check. 

“So, Hwang Hyunjin, huh,” Chan said with amusement, his voice was almost mocking in combination with the hand on his knee and Minho’s heart sank immediately. 

“What about him,” he muttered and Chan only grinned more, it was that kind of teasing grin that Minho had never learned to be immune to.

“Well… y’know. He’s hot. He’s  _ the Hwang Hyunjin, _ from  _ the _ Hwang family. Tall, long hair, dreamy…” Chan explained as if he had a crush on him, sighing happily and Minho wondered if he decided to say this at a moment when Minho couldn’t just walk away to spare himself the ridiculousness. 

“Are you heading somewhere with this?”

Chan fixed him with a look that Minho couldn’t decipher, he was smiling, lips pulled into a thin line but his gaze was almost regretful. “All I’m saying is… I’m happy for you. That he’s making you happy.”

_ We were so happy. _

Something in him moved, as though Chan had reached into his chest and twisted his organs with his bare hands, not enough to cause damage but still painful and dizzying, as though he wanted to check if there even was anything inside at all or if it was just void and Minho had half the mind to ask him, but he did feel the pain so perhaps there was something left – maybe Chan was checking if it still had his mark on it.

With a blood-curdling rattle, the lift suddenly stopped and Minho saw his life flash in front of his eyes as their seats started swinging in the air, the ground under him was shaking and he was pretty sure he was whimpering. “What was that, what’s happening–”

Chan’s hand moved from his knee and landed on his hand, the one he was gripping the metal bar in front of him with. “Relax,” he said and the warmth from his palm spread through Minho’s body like a wildfire. “The lift sometimes stops when someone doesn’t know how to get on or off. We’re gonna start moving in no time, yeah?”

Minho nodded reluctantly. The panic was ebbing away, giving space to what Chan had said before and to the fact that they were now almost holding hands.

“Just keep your hands and feet on the safety bars and we’ll be fine. Look, we’re almost at the top.”

Minho focused on his breathing and waited if the ground would stop shaking underneath his feet. In the corner of his eye, he saw Jeongin pull on Chan’s sleeve.

“Can we show dad the pictures?”

Minho swallowed dryly, his muscles still tense as he gripped the railing. Chan chuckled uncomfortably and his fingers grazed lightly over Minho’s. “I don’t think now’s a good time,” he muttered to Jeongin which only made Minho more curious. He furrowed his brows and Chan met his gaze.

“What pictures?”

Another nervous chuckle. Chan scrunched his nose, looking everywhere else but at Minho as he searched for the right words. “He made me stay up yesterday night to look at the photos on my phone from the past two years and…” he blanked out, mouth opened to continue but face twisted in reluctance to continue.

Jeongin gladly helped him. “I wanna show you what you’ve missed when you were away! We went to Australia!”

Minho’s heart sank. The lift rattled and they were moving again. Jeongin was excited, eyes still hopeful that Minho would say yes. Chan was correct, it was objectively not a good idea to start going through photos right now as they were suspended tens of meters above the ground and Minho didn’t want Chan to accidentally drop his phone. He told this to Jeongin, as gently as he could but to his surprise, Jeongin’s smile didn’t falter the slightest bit as he started telling Minho a story about their trip to Sydney instead. Chan kept his hand on his, it was pleasantly warm and Minho didn’t find it in him to move away – it undoubtedly comforted him, his heart was still beating fast from the height and he wouldn’t allow himself to think about it until he would be back on the ground.

Jeongin’s story was interrupted when they reached the top of the mountain and had to disembark. Jeongin was immersed in the process, watching all of the lift machinery in motion and Chan took the opportunity to squeeze Minho’s hand before letting it go. 

“Innie is so happy seeing you here,” he said and Minho met his eyes, already nervous enough from the fact that they were about to get off the lift. But Chan’s tone was sincere as he had probably realized that this could be their last chance to have a one-to-one conversation. “And I’m too. I guess what I wanted to say–” they hopped down from the lift and quickly made their way from the lift area to stop at a safe spot away from the skiers – “you’re here with your fiancé and I don’t expect you to be all friendly and nice to me, but I’m glad you agreed to this anyway. For Jeongin.”

Minho couldn’t tear his gaze from Chan’s eyes as they stopped walking, he was always so gentle with him and Minho wanted to tell him he should scream at him instead, that he didn’t deserve to be treated nice. But he took in the words anyway, turning them over in his head and trying to twist them, tear them apart and dull the edges until they lost their meaning but he couldn’t. So instead he nodded curtly and that was enough for Chan who smiled instantly.

“I’m never forgiving you for this Lee Minho,” he heard Hyunjin complain from behind him. Hyunjin had had to be right behind them on the lift so he had just gotten off and was now wrapping his arm around Minho’s waist, pulling him closer. Minho was still in a trance, still focused on Chan and that stupid smile.

Chan was the first one to break off from their eye contact, chuckling at Hyunjin’s upset face. “Come on, do both of you have a fear of heights? And you went to  _ the Alps?” _

Hyunjin only scoffed. “No, neither of us has a fear of heights. I just had to sit next to the most annoying couple in all Europe. It was all  _ mozzarella, quattro formaggi,” _ he said with exaggerated gestures and Chan laughed, but all Minho could focus on was the hand on his waist and the fact that Hyunjin had just admitted to not knowing something so basic about him. His ears burned in shame but his feet were completely frozen on the spot, still looking at Chan. “I don’t know, I don’t speak European. But you two definitely owe me for suffering through that.”

“Where do we go now?”

That finally made Hyunjin look at him but it was Chan who answered. “Well, me and Jeongin were planning to take a walk in this way,” he pointed in the direction away from the skiing slope, “there’s a path that leads down into the valley and we were planning to get lunch in a restaurant that’s like half an hour walk from here.”

Minho didn’t really have a choice. He didn’t want to get back on the lift and have Hyunjin find out about his fear of heights, he was too proud for that. So they agreed to go for the walk – after all, if Jeongin was with them it couldn’t be more than a light stroll. Minho walked in the front with Hyunjin while ignoring Chan’s gaze that had burned holes through his back by the time they finally got to the restaurant. Hyunjin had tried to hold his hand multiple times so he just made sure to keep his hands in his pockets the whole time and glare at him anytime he wanted to join him, telling him that his hands were too cold and that he should keep them in his own pockets. 

It had really gone downhill since the lift – Hyunjin was now upset and most of their conversation happened when Hyunjin almost slipped on the snow and Minho didn’t move to catch him. In his defence, he had believed Hyunjin was perfectly capable of walking upright. It only added fuel to the fire and Hyunjin was practically fuming when they finally sat down to eat.

On the other hand, Jeongin was beaming. Everything was exciting to him, especially when it was Minho he could share it with and he even convinced Chan that he didn’t need him to choose from the menu – that Minho would help him. Chan didn’t protest, only laughed when Minho bitterly pulled out his phone to look up the majority of the food names so he could have an idea what to recommend.

Jeongin sat next to him, meaning that Hyunjin and Chan sat opposite to them and Minho could listen to whatever attempt at conversation Hyunjin made. “So you’re raising Jeongin by yourself?”

Minho pretended to be engrossed in the menu while Jeongin looked deep in thought as he tried to decide. Minho would pick for him, but he also wondered what Chan’s reaction would be. Chan hummed. “Yeah, but he’s older now and can do a lot of things by himself, so he helps me a lot.”

_ Now, _ opposite to  _ two years ago, _ Minho thought. “So you’re single?”

He could see Chan scratching the back of his neck from the corner of his eye. “Well,” he chuckled, “being twenty-eight and an adoptive dad, turns out, isn’t the sexy thing you would expect.” At that, Minho looked up and Chan’s eyes wandered to his. “And I don’t have the time to meet new people, anyway.”

Hyunjin hummed and Minho looked away, feeling warmth creep up his neck. He had definitely thought that Chan had dated at least a little bit, or maybe he had just really wanted him to. With his looks, he couldn’t imagine that he would stay single for longer than a month. Something weighed on his chest, realizing that Hyunjin was the first person he had dated after Chan. 

“Jeongin will have a  _ wiener schnitzel,” _ Minho announced to break the silence, maybe too loud and shut the menu. Both Chan and Hyunjin stared at him in shock but Minho refused to budge. “And a  _ carbonara _ for me.”

It was silent and Minho briefly wanted to take back his tone, but then Jeongin was pulling on his sleeve. “Dad, who is he?” He pointed at Hyunjin and Chan nearly knocked the table over trying to smack his hand down.

“No pointing fingers, Innie,” he whispered loudly but that barely affected Jeongin. Minho’s gaze was on Hyunjin as he racked his brain for what explanation he should give. But Chan was faster. “This is Minho’s friend, Hyunjin.”

Minho could practically see Hyunjin’s soul leave his body as he turned to Chan with an incredulous look, eyes wide and mouth open, ready to curse him out. He slammed his hand on the table, making their glasses rattle and Minho couldn’t miss the clink of his engagement ring against the wood.  _ “Excuse me?! A friend?! Who are you, you… !” _

His voice was so high pitched and his hand slowly coiled into a fist and before Minho could realize it he was kicking Hyunjin’s legs under the table. Hyunjin turned to look at him, willing to hear one last thing before he would go off. Minho opened his mouth and closed it, wincing. “Hyunjin. No swearing in front of the children, yeah?” he managed weakly.

He briefly glanced at Chan who didn’t seem affected at all, observing Hyunjin with a stoic face like he knew he was in an advance. He probably was: while Hyunjin wasn’t weak, he definitely wasn’t Chan-kind-of-strong. He definitely didn’t show off his strength by hauling him over his shoulders to throw him onto the bed and fuck him into the next week, or by gripping Minho’s hips hard enough to bruise–––

Minho clenched his fists and took a deep breath to rid himself of the mental image. What he had meant was that Chan had every reason to be calm, confident that Hyunjin wouldn’t do him any harm. 

The tension was palpable in the air and eventually Hyunjin relaxed in his seat and busied himself with his phone. 

Soon they ordered their food and Chan kept a light conversation with Minho and Jeongin, talking about various foods they tried and enjoyed, decidedly steering away from any phrases such as  _ the steak Minho treated me to on my birthday _ or  _ Chan’s breakfasts were the best. _ Instead, it was  _ I wanna go to that restaurant that sells that amazing steak again _ and  _ I haven’t had a proper breakfast in years. _

Jeongin didn’t catch up on the unspoken rule so Minho had to bear the glare from Hyunjin when he said: “When we come back home you should cook for all three of us.”

Chan and Minho laughed to mask the awkwardness that arose. They couldn’t just tell Jeongin that Minho wouldn’t come back home. Ever.

Chan took it upon himself to think of another topic, trying to bring Hyunjin back into the conversation. “So, did you allow Minho to get the three cats he always talks about?”

Minho had to chuckle, he didn’t expect Chan to remember it. He had always wanted cats and had had an elaborate plan from the names he would give his cats to the toys he would buy for them. 

“Cats?” Hyunjin pursed his lips to think about it and Minho found himself gripping the edge of his seat, anxious what answer would Hyunjin give. He was sure he had never told Hyunjin about cats. “Well– no, we don’t–”  _ live together,  _ Minho filled in in his head and saw the moment of hesitation in Hyunjin’s gaze that he had, too, realized he shouldn’t tell Chan, “– we haven’t… gotten to, uh. Pets.”

“It’s a lot of work to keep pets,” Minho blurted out and Chan measured him with an understanding look. Not  _ yes, cats demand a lot of attention, _ but rather understanding that  _ Hyunjin has no idea about that either. _ Chan had always seen right through him. Minho grazed his thumb over the band on his ring finger.

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Chan said. “Did Minho tell you about how he saved a kitten once? He was so sad he couldn’t keep it because the apartment building wouldn’t allow it.”

“I haven’t heard that one yet.”

Another chuckle from Chan. “Oh, well. It used to be the only thing he talked about back then.”

Hyunjin didn’t get to respond as the food was brought out and laid down on the table; he didn’t make an attempt to continue the conversation after they left the restaurant, either. Minho wondered what he was thinking about, if he was finally getting jealous perhaps. Hyunjin wasn’t a very jealous person Minho had noticed. He didn’t pester Minho with questions about who he was seeing and talking to, he barely even asked, he had even agreed to go on the hike. In a way, Minho was glad that something finally broke in Hyunjin and he was now being passive-aggressive with Chan. Maybe he would forbid Minho from talking to him because Chan was just way too attractive in that white cardigan for Minho to be around and then Minho would have the peace of mind that he wouldn’t have to deal with Chan for the rest of the trip and rest of his life too.

It also meant that what Hyunjin felt towards him was strong enough to warrant jealousy. It comforted him – to have Hyunjin. So what if Hyunjin didn’t know everything about Minho yet. They had plenty of time and Minho’s feet were solid on the ground.

  
  


After that day on the mountain Minho found himself frequenting the hotel bar every evening. It had started right after they got back to their hotel room. Without exchanging any words, Hyunjin immediately dove onto the bed and pulled out his phone to play a game, so Minho decided to give them both space. Hyunjin had to be tired after the hike and Minho didn’t want to irritate him any further. He himself didn’t feel like facing him for any longer, he felt antsy whenever their eyes met as if Hyunjin could see right through him, see the lie detector going off while he pointed a lamp into Minho’s face to explain while Minho was just as shocked; he was both the conman and the victim, there was guilt soaking through the ceiling but the neighbours weren’t home.

Having just one or two glasses of liquor was enough to keep his fingers and thoughts busy throughout the evening as he sat on one of the armchairs next to the windows, looking at the gently falling snow and the fluttering reflections of candle lights. He would usually leave the hotel room around the time it got dark, which was as soon as 4 PM, and got back around midnight at earliest. It helped him to get through a big part of the day and although Hyunjin always asked where he was going, he never appeared to have missed him enough to come and join him. It was fine, he could relax like he had planned to when he was planning the vacation and Hyunjin could do his sport things or call his friends without Minho complaining. And when Minho eventually returned to their hotel room, alcohol in his system and the neediness that came with it, Hyunjin wouldn’t hesitate to make him feel good in whichever way he wanted. 

So it worked; Minho was content and if Chan had decided to show up to the bar some late evenings Minho was fine with greeting him with a nod of acknowledgement after which Chan would sit by himself, away from Minho’s peripheral vision. Minho was relieved he didn’t have to witness people hitting on Chan any more and Chan was probably glad that Minho didn’t see him getting rejected again. Well, Minho did see him once leaving with another man, but he also managed to convince himself that it wasn’t for the purpose of a one-night stand. It simply wasn’t possible.

He got some attention himself, too – people approaching him with timid steps only to have Minho tell them that he’s  _ waiting for someone, sorry, _ the word fiancé never quite getting over his teeth but it didn’t have to – he figured his expression wasn’t too approachable in the first place. 

The more it felt like a slap in the face when Hyunjin did show up one evening, to slide down next to Minho on the armchair, demanding his attention, just as Minho was having to witness Chan flirting with someone on the opposite side of the room. The bar was exceptionally full that evening so Chan had no other place to sit than right in the middle of Minho’s field of vision, his back to Minho as he chatted with a curly-haired girl. The scene was awfully familiar to their first encounter at the bar and it turned his drink sour to the point where he winced with every swallow.

“Hey there,” Hyunjin said sweetly, pressing all of his weight against him. Minho barely looked at him, didn’t even really care why of all days had Hyunjin now decided to accompany him. Maybe he should find another spot to hang out in. “What’s so interesting?”

Minho said nothing, only bringing his drink to his lips to finish it. 

“You’ve been coming here often, huh,” Hyunjin said with one arm over Minho’s shoulder, the other hand on his thigh. “Are the drinks that good?” Minho resisted the urge to groan. He hated Hyunjin’s affinity for small talk. He decided to ignore his question.

“Can you believe him? He’s here with a kid and instead of watching over him he’s flirting at the bar,” he muttered, partially hoping that Hyunjin wouldn’t even hear him. 

Hyunjin chuckled, finally looking in the direction as Minho. “Oh, he’s pretty successful with that. Look at how she hangs onto every word. That’s crazy.”

Minho only rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I call it child neglect. Poor Jeongin is all alone now.”

Hyunjin measured him with a puzzled look. Minho met his gaze, challenging him with a quirk of an eyebrow. “You’re so pressed over the kid, huh? What happened?”

“What should’ve happened?”

“You’ve told me you didn’t even want kids. But now you’re here and it’s like the kid is the only thing you’ve ever cared about in your life.”

Minho felt his throat tightening as his heart picked up a pace in the panic that Hyunjin had finally seen through him. He almost wanted to say that yes, Jeongin was the only one he cared about just to twist the knife in the wound, but it wasn’t quite the truth and he wasn’t sure the wound wasn’t his. 

Hyunjin exhaled while Minho still avoided his gaze, looking at his feet instead. “I just want to understand. It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind about the kids.”

Minho cleared his throat. “I don’t want to have kids with you.”

“So what’s so different with Chan?”

At that, Minho finally met his gaze. He was angry now, how was that any of Hyunjin’s business? What had happened in his previous relationship was well in the past and Hyunjin had no right to hold it against him. “I told you Jeongin wasn’t our choice. You’ve got it all twisted in your head,” he uttered and stood up abruptly, letting Hyunjin fall onto his side as he no longer had Minho to lean on. “I’m leaving.”

He turned to look at Hyunjin scrambling to sit up, looking at Minho almost like a kicked puppy. It gave Minho a surge of power, to see the confusion in Hyunjin’s eyes as he tried to decipher what Minho himself didn’t understand. Part of him wanted to take the attitude back and to apologize, say that he didn’t know either; the other part of him was drunk on the way his words affected Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin stood up when Minho looked away and he heard him take a breath to speak when he saw Chan stand up as well, being tugged by his wrist by the girl. Her skin was in sharp contrast with Chan’s as she pressed herself onto him, standing on her tiptoes to whisper something into his ear. Minho wanted to scoff, was this some kind of cheap night club for them to be all over each other?

But then Chan’s eyes met his across the room and Minho’s heart was racing, his cheeks burning like he had just seen something he wasn’t supposed to, and his hand found the material of Hyunjin’s sweater to pull him closer. Hyunjin let out a noise of surprise when Minho kissed him, hard and shameless with his other hand in his hair. He continued to attack his mouth with his lips, their bodies flush against each other and Hyunjin’s hands idle on his waist.

It took Hyunjin trying to kiss him back for Minho to pull away, barely sparing any attention to just how red Hyunjin’s lips and chin were – his gaze went to Chan, who was still just standing there, his ears flushed red as he continued talking to the girl.

Completely unaffected.

Minho felt his nails digging into his palms, his ears ringing as he rushed to the door. He heard distant steps behind him, of course Hyunjin would follow right after him, he just had to. A hand curled around his elbow to slow him down as they made their way to their hotel room. 

“What was that?” Hyunjin asked amusedly and Minho wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. His cheeks were still burning in shame. “I don’t remember when was the last time you kissed me in public,” he chuckled.

_ At the dinner party with your family when we said goodbye and I wanted your mum to believe me that we’ll make a good couple, _ Minho wanted to say but instead bit his lip. He didn’t trust his voice to not waver. “Get to the point,” he grumbled instead.

Hyunjin cleared his throat. “I mean,” he started again, his tone now more gentle, “I guess I just feel like you haven’t been paying attention to me a lot. We’re in the most romantic winter resort in Europe and you act like we barely know each other.”

Minho stopped in his tracks to measure Hyunjin with a glare. So this was it? Hyunjin didn’t care about the kid nor if Minho wanted one but about attention? He scoffed. “What, am I supposed to be glued to your side the entire day?” Hyunjin didn’t say anything so Minho continued, his anger finally boiling over the lid. “I went on a couple of dinners with your parents and suddenly you want me to be all over you?”

He tore his elbow away from Hyunjin’s grasp to dig out his key card, ignoring the way Hyunjin’s gaze burned holes through him. Minho didn’t care if he was angry, it wasn’t like Hyunjin cared about him too much either.

“Geez, give me some space,” he exhaled, quickly approaching their door and Hyunjin ran right after him.

“Some space!? You barely look at me!” To prove his point he pulled on Minho’s shoulder to make him turn around but Minho wouldn’t cave. Instead, he slammed his key card against the reader and almost kicked the door open.

“Oh stop, you’re so full of yourself,” he said and the door slammed shut, leaving Hyunjin caged against the door. Their gazes met, fire igniting in the space between them.

And then Hyunjin was kissing him, dragging his hands all over and under Minho’s shirt as Minho pressed him harder against the door. Their tongues met in the middle, spit dripping on Minho’s chin as the kiss got even more heated and messier. Hyunjin gripped his arms to push Minho against the wall, biting down on his bottom lip until he let out a whimper and following up with a thrust of his hips against his crotch.

Minho felt the familiar pressure rise in his jeans; it was nothing new that rough treatment aroused him and there was something thrilling about the fact that this kind of rough felt deserved. Hyunjin touched him like it was a competition who would last longer, pressing his palm against the bulge in his jeans until Minho would gasp into his mouth – but Minho wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of asking for more. Instead, he pulled on Hyunjin’s hair to access his neck with his teeth, knowing too well just how many stupid turtlenecks he brought with him to cover up the bruises he littered all over his throat.

Hyunjin shuddered when he pressed his tongue on a particularly sensitive spot, removing the hand from his crotch and going to massage his ass through his jeans instead. He kissed Minho again, biting his lips and grazing his tongue as a revenge for what Minho had done with his neck.

“Get on the fucking bed,” Hyunjin muttered over his lips and emphasized with a roll of his hips, rubbing their clothed erections against each other and then pulling away completely, leaving Minho with no other choice than to wordlessly obey. With buzzing in his ears and anger still bubbling in his veins he sat down in the middle, leaning on his palms to watch as Hyunjin took off his sweater and the top underneath it in one swift movement. Minho took the opportunity to take off his jeans, finally relieving some of the pressure against his cock only to be pushed onto his back by Hyunjin, now almost fully naked save for his underwear. He paused to look at him and Minho suddenly felt small under his gaze.

He cleared his throat. He had no idea what Hyunjin’s look was supposed to mean but he wasn’t going to cave. “Are you gonna fuck me or do I have to do everything by myself?”

To that Hyunjin almost growled, gripping onto Minho’s thigh. “Oh I’ll fuck you alright,” he said before attacking his neck with his teeth and sliding his hand to pull down Minho’s underwear just enough to wrap his hand around his lenght. “Don’t get too cocky now or you won’t get any.”

Minho wanted to chuckle, say  _ as if your dick is something I wouldn’t get anywhere else, _ but ultimately decided that it would be too much, even for their dynamic. So he reached out blindly to the bedside table to retrieve a bottle of lube and handed it to Hyunjin. It wasn’t their first time fucking their anger out and Minho was certain it wasn’t going to be their last. Not that they had tried to resolve their arguments in other ways; Minho firmly believed that sex was the key to the happiness in their relationship. 

So Minho turned around before Hyunjin had the chance to tell him, presenting his ass to him while on his hands and knees. Hyunjin promptly took his underwear off and Minho wiggled his butt in the air, already impatient. “What are you staring at, get to work,” he ordered and felt a slap land on his left cheek. 

“You’re always so fucking needy,” Hyunjin said before Minho heard the lube bottle snap open. He couldn’t help the pinch of disappointment; although his expectations weren’t high to begin with, he had always hoped that Hyunjin would eat him out whenever he got into that position. Hyunjin had never tried it on him, truth was Minho had never tried asking, but he did miss it. 

So when the cold, lube coated fingers touched his entrance he tried to imagine it was a warm tongue instead and that there were two strong, calloused hands gripping his upper thighs to help him spread open and to support him in case (and it had always been the case) his legs quivered too much. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight baby,” Hyunjin whispered as he slowly worked two long fingers inside him. Minho kept biting his lip to not be too loud, the walls weren’t as thick as Minho would prefer, so he limited himself to small gasps and whimpers whenever Hyunjin’s fingers grazed his prostate.

The rhythm was never right, it had always been too fast or too slow for Minho’s liking and he would find himself rocking his hips back on the fingers inside him. It hadn’t always been like that, Minho had thought he wasn’t too picky, with Chan he had loved it in any and every way, he could have been taking his sweet time with him and reduce Minho to nothing but begging and moaning, or he could have been fast and merciless and rough and at the end Minho would be thanking him for letting him come. With Chan sex was always a celebration in a way, they had never had a proper angry sex, Chan hadn’t been able to stay angry for long enough when Minho was splayed underneath him or riding him with all his might.

“I’m ready,” he moaned and lowered himself to his elbows to bury his face in a pillow. He received a slap on his thigh for the attitude when the fingers slid out of him, lube trickling down his leg. It was messy, Chan liked it messy as well and the heat in Minho’s abdomen constricted. A hand pressed gently on his neck, Minho wished it would press harder as the felt something hard and warm start pushing into his hole.

“So fucking tight,” the voice behind him said and Minho shuddered as he imagined it to be said a little bit differently, maybe with a pet name at the end and he had to bite down on the pillow to stiffle a moan. He was being stretched apart, filled to the brim with warmth and he wished he had laid on his back so he could see Chan’s muscles flexing as he held him and fucked into him, slow at first and picking up on a pace that made Minho see stars.

He couldn’t stop the train of thoughts now; it was rapidly hurling him towards the edge and Minho was so ready, he needed more, so much more so the pleasure wouldn’t stop. He didn’t dare to open his eyes because only that way he could see Chan’s concentrated gaze, how he bit his bottom lip while pounding into Minho, sweat running down his muscular torso as he held onto the last bits of his composure, calling Minho all these nice things that always made him blush even during the most heated of moments. He wanted to tell Chan to touch him but he only moaned into the pillow, a wet spot rapidly forming from the saliva dripping from his mouth as he reached down to stroke himself. Chan had always told him how pretty he looked like that.

“I’m gonna come, fuck,” the voice said again and Minho nodded fervently into the pillow. 

_ I’mma fill you up so good, Kitten. _ Minho stroked himself faster, he could feel the warmth coiling in his abdomen and his thighs trembled, his prostate being stimulated with each messy thrust.  _ Come for me, make a pretty mess of yourself, yeah? _

Before he could realize it his cock twitched in his hand as he came, warm liquid trickling over his fingers onto the mattress and his mouth formed the shape of Chan’s name as he moaned, luckily completely unintelligible when Hyunjin came in him as well, his thrusts growing sloppy as he rode out his orgasm. 

His head was completely empty for a moment, the tingling reaching all the way to his toes and he could barely move. Hyunjin slid out of him and Minho could distantly feel the warm mixture of come and lube trickling out of him as he collapsed onto the mattress, only barely avoiding the wet spot on the sheets.

Hyunjin collapsed right next to him, drenched in sweat as he tried to regain strength. Minho spared him a glance, perhaps to check if he wasn’t still angry or perhaps that he didn’t notice anything. Maybe it was the post-orgasmic haze clouding his mind but he didn’t feel guilty now, he didn’t regret letting his thoughts stray; or maybe he was just good at denying it.

Hyunjin wasn’t angry. He was sleepy at most, dragging a blanket over them to not get cold but it was almost as if Minho wasn’t even there. 

Which was fair. Minho didn’t feel like he deserved the aftercare, nor did he think he needed it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 is out!! This is the "christmas" part so I'm really glad I could finish it on time.
> 
> Definitely read the tags again, I added a couple.

Minho woke up to an empty bed. The sun was already high above the horizon, making the snow on the windowsill sparkle and Minho let himself spend the first minutes of being awake by watching water drip from the roof, forming small icicles. The shower was running and the sheets next to him were still warm, meaning that Hyunjin had just woken up. He felt a faint, dull ache in his lower back along with the image of Chan’s eyes looking at him permanently burned into his retinas, a needless reminder of the last night. 

It wasn’t cheating if it was just in his head – Minho had decided long ago already. Hyunjin wasn’t necessarily bad at sex, Minho had just figured that his orgasms hit harder when he was either intoxicated or thought of something hot while Hyunjin chased his own climax. It _had_ been the first time he had thought of Chan but it also was the hardest he had come in a while so he couldn’t find it in himself to complain. He only had to be careful to not blurt out Chan’s name and neither Hyunjin nor his parents had a way to find out.

His stomach stirred at the memory of his fantasy. Having met Chan at the winter resort had only contributed to the vividness, the tone of Chan’s voice, the glint in his eyes, everything about him was now crystal clear in Minho’s imagination. He was taking the parts he liked, the strength in Chan’s muscles, the tone of his moans, the way his compliments rolled off his tongue, and taking them for himself in secrecy, in a way that was so utterly selfish that Minho was certain he would go to hell for it. Because if hell was real and there was a list of his sins, all of them would begin with the name Chan.

The bathroom door opened and Minho watched Hyunjin as he looked through the closet for fresh clothes, humming a tune that Minho didn’t recognize. For a second he saw him just like that – like a rich boy with too much time on his hands but not enough control over his own life. Something Minho felt like they could bond over yet he wouldn’t acknowledge in conversation because that would make it real. 

Minho wondered how much Hyunjin really cared about him. How much of it was a pretense. Did he think about someone else during sex as well? It was only a one-time thing that Minho had thought of Chan, but what if Hyunjin had been doing the same the entire time?

He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the room from spinning. He had never felt the need to trust Hyunjin but now it was eating at him; what if it wouldn’t work out between them? Would Hyunjin break up with him? Or was there too much at stake?

When he opened his eyes again he saw Hyunjin already fully dressed, grabbing his keys from the table. 

“Where are you going?”

Hyunjin turned to look at him in shock. “Oh, you’re awake,” he said, turning back around to put on his shoes. “I didn’t tell you? Seungmin and Felix are gonna join us. I’m picking them up from the airport.”

“What? Why?” Minho sat up on the bed, confused. Seungmin and Felix were Hyunjin’s rich childhood friends so it wasn’t that surprising that they would just jump on a plane without previous planning, but still. Wasn’t this supposed to be Minho’s and Hyunjin’s pre-honeymoon?

Hyunjin looked at him briefly, thinking. “I invited them.”

“You _what?”_ So was this it? Hyunjin was finally losing interest in him? 

Hyunjin stood up from tying his laces as if he hadn’t even heard him. He ran a hand through his hair and patted his coat pockets, making sure he had everything. Only when he had his hand on the door handle he turned to look at Minho. There was a dark red hickey peeking out from the hem of his turtleneck. “Come on. You’re glad to have me off your back.”

With that he left, leaving Minho dumbstruck. 

A whirlwind of emotions in his chest, he got out of bed, not sure about his newfound freedom. If Hyunjin was going to spend the next two weeks with Seungmin and Felix, it meant he could now do anything. Hyunjin would have too much snowboarding on his mind to pester him about his affinity to drinking and maybe he could finally try getting lost in the woods. Maybe he would finally succeed. 

He got ready and wandered out of the hotel, taking his first deep breath of proper freedom in the past week. Snow crunching underneath his feet, Minho found himself walking along a tree-lined path that led away from the hotel, at a slight incline up the mountain. It was a path he didn’t know and he had left his phone in the hotel room, it felt liberating yet at the same time heartbreaking, he could just run away now so why was he now hesitating? This was what he had wanted for the past two years, there were no parents to guilt-trip him, if he were to get lost they probably wouldn’t even find out until January. He had wanted to be alone more than anything but for some reason, it felt that more suffocating now. The ground was warping again.

“Minho?” 

Chan’s voice echoed right next to him as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Was he now hearing things?

“Minho, are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” he muttered. He dragged the sleeve of his jacket over his face to wipe the tear away when he snapped out of the trance and saw Chan standing right next to him. 

“Are you sure? You’ve been just standing there for a few minutes now,” Chan said, brows furrowed and voice strained.

Minho finally took in his surroundings and realized he had climbed quite the distance from the hotel. He was now standing behind the metal railing that divided the path from a steep slope, the perfect view of the valley obscured by tree branches. 

“Let’s go back on the path, yeah?”

Minho obeyed wordlessly and felt a weight lift off his chest when he finally wasn’t facing the sharp rocks of the cliff. Chan held his wrist over the sleeve of his jacket as he ducked his head under the railing, moving his legs one by one through the metal frame. “What are you doing here?”

Chan huffed, tilting his head in confusion when their eyes met. “We were on a walk,” he said carefully and only then Minho noticed Jeongin crouching on the ground to make a snowball, completely ignoring them. “What are _you_ doing here?”

Minho twisted his engagement ring with his thumb, something he had found himself doing to keep his fingers busy. “Just getting some fresh air.”

Chan looked at him for a moment and Minho felt like he wanted him to talk more, but didn’t press on. “It’s a nice view, right?”

Minho looked at Chan. When they had first met he had considered Chan a complete mystery – he was too nice, too considerate, Minho had thought he had ulterior motives. As it had turned out, his only ulterior motive was to get Minho to date him because he had been harboring a massive crush on him. And now, Chan stood in front of him with snowflakes in his hair and a gentle smile on his lips, and he was a whole enigma. “Yeah,” he uttered, the cold finally seeping into his fingertips.

“Is everything okay with Hyunjin?”

He scoffed, looking away. It was such a ridiculous question Minho didn’t even want to honor it with an answer. If he said no, nothing is ever okay with Hyunjin, Chan would have every right to laugh in his face. 

“I saw him in the morning, he was rushing somewhere,” Chan continued.

“Oh, that,” Minho said, relieved. He had been convinced that Chan had finally noticed something was off in their relationship. “He went to pick up his friends from the airport.”

“So he just left you here?” Chan was serious now, fixing Minho with a stern look as he leaned against the railing, arms folded in front of him. 

“He didn’t _leave_ me here,” Minho corrected him but heard his own voice come out small. “At least I have more time for myself when he’s with his friends,” he tried in a lighthearted tone, a sort of old-married-couple joke, but Chan’s expression remained the same. He wasn’t having it.

It felt like an eternity before Chan finally looked away, inhaling sharply. He pulled away from the railing and approached Jeongin who was now building a little snowman on the side of the path. “Innie,” he crouched next to him and Jeongin immediately looked up with the most radiant smile Minho had ever seen. “Is it okay if Minho joins us on the hike?”

“Yeah!” Jeongin jumped into the air, abandoning his little snowman to run up to Minho. He reached up to hold his hand and Minho felt his heart melt. Chan met his gaze with a smile.

“There’s a nice lookout spot this way,” Chan said as he stood up. “I’ve marked it in the tourist guide.”

Minho felt his stomach flutter and it spread warmth all over his body. Chan smiled at him as if he knew.

“No one should feel alone in a place beautiful as this,” he said almost as an afterthought before he beckoned them to start walking. Minho couldn’t find the grudge in him to object, not when he noticed in the corner of his eye that Chan was holding Jeongin’s hand as well.

The lookout point was indeed beautiful – or at least what Minho saw of it, they were really high up and he didn’t dare to go near the railing again. He wasn’t sure what had compelled him to climb over it back there before Chan had found him and he didn’t want to think about it too much either. His mood had improved since then, he had almost completely forgotten about Hyunjin, and when the sun started to set he realized that he liked the little narrow paths that snaked around the mountain much more than the couches at the bar.

That evening Minho got back to his hotel room at 8 PM – Jeongin’s bedtime. The day full of activities, from hiking to entertaining Jeongin, left Minho so completely drained of energy that he didn’t even think of going to get a drink. All he wanted was to take a hot shower and then collapse into his bed. So he did, and when Hyunjin came stumbling into the room at one point in the night, slurring that “Seungmin is so fucking funny” before falling right asleep, Minho simply turned over on the bed so he wouldn’t have to smell the alcohol from Hyunjin’s mouth, conscience unscathed.

It meant that Minho woke up way before Hyunjin did, wrapped tightly in his arms. He felt the outline of Hyunjin’s dick pressing against his ass but resisted the urge to sleepily grind against it, carefully freeing himself from the embrace instead. He sat up on the edge of the bed, eyes still heavy with sleep, and looked out of the window. The sun was still low on the cloudless sky and Minho realized that being awake before Hyunjin meant that he could slip out of the room without him asking where he was going. Not that he would care with Seungmin and Felix now in the picture, but he would at least save himself some pride.

Fully dressed to go out he made his way through the hotel hallway towards the staircase. He hesitated when he realized what he was doing, at the last step on his way down to the lower floor – this was Chan’s floor. He was going to knock on Chan’s door and ask if they were planning to go out and if he could join, for Jeongin’s sake of course. 

Minho stood in the hallway, staring at the row of doors in front of him with dread in his limbs that prevented him from moving. It was one thing to join Chan when it was a coincidence that they had bumped into each other or when it was Jeongin initiating it, but it felt odd to openly admit that he wanted to hang out with them. Minho had no right to ask Chan for his time or attention, not after he had left him and Jeongin two years ago. 

His chest ached with the distant but vivid memory of Chan’s face twisted in pain, cheeks wet with tears that wouldn’t stop coming when Minho told him that he was leaving. With a twist of his insides he briefly wondered if it still hurt, for a second he thought that he should ask, would it bring him comfort if Chan told him that it didn’t hurt anymore? That he had already gotten over Minho?

The sound of a door opening brought him back to reality and his heart started to race, it was the door at the end of the hall, Chan’s door and he could already hear Jeongin’s voice as he babbled about something. 

He staggered in place, quickly trying to decide if he should run away and meet Chan another time, or if he should approach him and lose the option to make it seem like a coincidence.

The decision was made for him when Chan walked out of the door and their eyes met, making Minho’s heart skip a beat. Chan nodded as a greeting, tilting his head to the side in question when Minho continued to stand there, clenching his fists. Tensing his leg muscles he willed himself to move.

“Hey,” he tried in a casual tone just as Chan was getting on his knee to help Jeongin with his shoelaces. “Do you have plans for today?”

“We’re going sledding!” Jeongin shouted from where he stood in the doorway, bouncing on his heels enough to make it hard for Chan to finish fixing the knots on his laces. Minho smiled at his enthusiasm, now standing close enough to ruffle his hair. 

Chan stood up so he took a step back. Their eyes met and Minho’s breath got stuck in his throat. He put his hands into the pockets of his coat, moving them apart and waving with the fluffy fabric as if he was distracting Chan from the awkward silence. It was a coat that Hyunjin had bought for him to resolve an argument on the third day of the vacation. “Hyunjin is probably gonna spend the day with his friends so I thought…”

Chan’s lips curled up into a smirk. He looked at Jeongin and then back at Minho. “Do you wanna join us?”

Minho nodded with a hesitant hum. 

“What do you say, Innie?”

“Yeah!” he squealed, going to hug Minho’s leg and clinging onto him until Chan closed the door of their room and started walking.

“Alright, let’s go,” Chan said, grabbing Jeongin’s hand, who then grabbed Minho’s hand and started to pull them forward, trying to make them run. Minho was glad Chan wasn’t in the mood to run either so Jeongin only ended up complaining that they were too slow and that they needed to get to the sledding hill quickly before the other kids did. Minho didn’t even realize he was laughing until Chan met his gaze, his smile equally as wide.

The hill for sledding was roughly a ten-minute walk from the hotel, but those ten minutes turned into almost thirty as Jeongin had insisted that he wanted Chan to pull him on the sled the entire way so they had to walk along a path that was snowed in enough. It felt strange to walk next to Chan without Jeongin between them and Minho kept his hands in his pockets the entire time, too scared of what it would feel like if his and Chan’s fingers were to accidentally brush.

When they arrived at the foot of the hill there were plenty of kids already, the yelling and shouting audible from a good distance. Chan had bought Jeongin a bright red sled that matched his hat in hopes that he wouldn’t get lost in a crowd of other kids while he stood near the slope with other parents. It was a priceless idea as Jeongin ran up the hill immediately before Chan could even say anything about being careful, leaving Minho alone with Chan.

“I wanted to tell him to only ride on the flat parts,” Chan said in concern, pointing at the makeshift jumps made from snow. It was nothing dangerous as many other kids used them, at worst tumbling over and rolling down the rest of the hill in a fit of laughter.

“He’ll be fine,” Minho chuckled, “the bruises are part of the fun.”

Chan didn’t respond immediately and that only made Minho realize what he had just said. His brain immediately supplied him with the vivid image of the bruises Chan had used to leave on his thighs with his mouth; he felt blood rush into his cheeks and hoped that Chan wouldn’t turn his head to see. “I just hope he won’t lose that hat again,” Chan said, fully focused on watching Jeongin drag his sled up the hill. 

Minho scoffed in relief. “Again?”

“He left it on a bench once and then made me look for it at eight in the evening. I’m not doing that again.” Minho laughed at how bitter Chan sounded, he had always known that Chan would do anything for Jeongin, however annoying the task was. 

Jeongin shouted at them from the top of the hill, announcing that he was going to sled down. He went down smoothly, even avoiding all of the obstacles like he knew that Chan wanted him to, so Minho and Chan clapped when he arrived at the bottom, a little bit of snow on his insulated pants and a grin on his face. He barely spared them a glance before running up the hill again and Minho saw Chan visibly relax, seeing as Jeongin was able to get away unscathed. 

“He’s grown up so fast,” Chan sighed. “I still see him as that little baby that could barely talk. Now I can hardly get him to be silent for a second.”

Minho chuckled, remembering when he had seen Jeongin for the first time, fresh out of the hospital. It was bittersweet for him as well, he knew how much Chan had loved his sister, how he was glad to at least have Jeongin to remind him of her.

“Now he even tells me, ‘dad I’m not a baby anymore!’ when he wants to do something by himself,” Chan chuckled and Minho did too, the impersonation was way too accurate. “I just want the best for him, y’know. He’s been through a lot.”

Minho nodded absently and felt his stomach clench. Surely Chan was talking about Jeongin’s mother passing away, not about Minho leaving. He cleared his throat. “I think Jeongin is lucky to have a dad like you,” he said but heard his own voice from a distance, feeling his nails dig into his palms as the words echoed in his head.

Chan exhaled, looking at his feet as he kicked the snow into the ground. Minho felt like it would be too much if he said more, he didn’t want to toy with Chan’s feelings, he was at his mercy with nowhere else to go, but not saying anything felt sadistic, like he wanted Chan to drown in the melancholy. 

“Do you think you could watch Jeongin for a moment?” Chan finally broke the moment, turning to face Minho. “There’s a food truck by the road and I was thinking about getting something hot to drink,” he pointed with his wallet somewhere behind Minho, “but I’d be right back, I swear it will be just a second…”

“Go,” Minho chuckled with a jerk of his head, “I will keep an eye on him, don’t worry.”

Chan thanked him before running off and Minho looked back at the hill to see that Jeongin was too engrossed in some kind of play with other kids to notice that Chan wasn’t watching anymore. For a moment he wondered if Chan had taught Jeongin English that he was able to befriend kids in a different country, he was almost jealous of how easy it was for him to make new friends as a kid. He wondered if things would be different had he met someone before being introduced to Hyunjin. Had he not befriended Chan in university in the first place.

Minutes passed by and cold slowly started to seep into his fingertips as he stood in place, making a little square in the snow he stood on by mindlessly shuffling around. He cupped his hands in front of his face to blow hot air on them, rubbing them together in an attempt to generate warmth.

As if he could read his mind, Chan appeared in front of him with a huge cup of steaming hot tea, holding it in both of his hands, and without thinking Minho immediately placed his hands over the cup, into the steam. 

“Cold?” Chan asked as Minho turned his fingers over to catch as much of the warmth as possible.

“Yeah,” Minho said, not daring to look Chan into the eyes. He knew they were close enough already, but at least he could reason that it was for the purpose of not having his fingers freeze.

“I should’ve bought two of these,” Chan chuckled. “Here, take it, we can share.”

Minho glanced up to meet his eyes to see Chan smiling softly. He beckoned him to take the cup so Minho reluctantly placed his palms on the sides of the cup, trying to slot his fingers between Chan’s but still ending up touching his hands. Upon contact, the warmth spread all throughout his body and after a moment, when Chan made sure that Minho was holding the cup, Chan pulled away to stick his hands back into his pockets. Something rustled and then Chan was holding up a paper bag.

“I got us something to eat, too,” he said, opening the bag to show Minho three bread rolls. Minho almost melted on the spot, the yeasty aroma was warm and heavenly on his tongue and his stomach grumbled to demand attention.

“You’re amazing,” he blurted out before he could stop himself and Chan only smiled more.

They silently ate the bread rolls while sharing the tea and after a while Jeongin joined them as well, running with his cheeks flushed and a big smile on his face. While Chan helped him with tearing pieces of bread Minho held the rest of the tea, now not as hot so Jeongin could drink it too.

Chan asked Jeongin if he was tired already but he shook his head, whining that he was having so much fun and that they simply had to be there for as long as possible. 

“Try it with me!” he begged Minho and Chan, pulling on their sleeves to get them to move. “It’s so much fun, I swear!”

“Dad is too old for that,” Chan negotiated and Minho laughed before Chan sent him a joking glare.

“He’s not,” Minho giggled, “he wants to go so bad.”

“Hey, hey,” Chan warned him and that only made Minho grin more. “Let’s rock-paper-scissors on that. If you win I’ll go with Innie.”

Minho didn’t want to play paper, he had planned to go with a rock, he really had. But then he met Chan’s eyes right before he was supposed to play and something about his look entranced him, making him completely forget about the game, and before he knew it, Chan was laughing and Jeongin was squealing in happiness.

Moments after, Minho found himself dragging the sled up the hill with Jeongin pulling him by his hand. Jeongin found a spot that was flat enough for them to sit down on the sled and Minho sat in the back with Jeongin in front of him, legs on each side of the plastic shell and hands gripping the back.

It turned out to be a good idea to hold onto the sled and not Jeongin as right after he pushed them down the hill, the sled flew in a completely different direction than Minho had anticipated and with the wind in his hair and Jeongin’s squealing in his ears they hit a bump right at the foot of the hill, derailing their sled and sending them tumbling over. Minho fell right off, the sudden movement making him roll over in the snow and his first instinct was to stand up and check if Jeongin was okay but he barely lifted his head off the ground when he heard Jeongin.

“That was _so cool!”_ Jeongin shouted and from the corner of his eye, Minho could see his bright red hat as he ran off with the sled, ready for another ride. 

So Minho was left laying on the snow, out of breath and still kind of shocked from the ride. It awoke something deep inside him, maybe his own childhood memories of being so happy that not even nearly breaking his leg while playing could ruin it. It was the adventure, the thrill of getting in trouble for playing way past bedtime, the joy that no parent could break.

Chan appeared in his field of vision, standing above him with a satisfied grin. “I knew you would totally fall over,” he laughed and Minho couldn’t even be mad, he was laughing too, his back arching off the ground because it was so ridiculous, he had worried so much about talking to Chan again when it was so harmless, so easy to fall back into the Minho he had been when he had dated Chan. 

“Shut up, I’m just making a snow angel,” he snickered, spreading his limbs and drawing them back in to demonstrate.

“Yeah, and that kid is gonna run you over in like two seconds,” Chan nodded towards the hill. Minho sat up and before he could realize what he was doing he reached out his arms which Chan took instantly. His palms were warm when he pulled him up to stand.

They were close, awfully close, if anyone saw them they would definitely assume something and maybe it was the snow sticking to his back but Minho felt frozen in place, unable to move away. Chan couldn’t either, maintaining eye contact while he still held his hands, so caringly yet firmly as if Minho were fine china. And Minho did feel like that, so fragile under Chan’s gaze, like a single wrong move would break him into pieces that no one would be able to put together again.

Chan looked the same as Minho remembered him, there was barely any sign of aging – the sharpness of his facial features the only telling factor that this wasn’t the exact same Chan. Even his hair was the same, kept fairly short but still the fluffy and curly and thick that Minho had liked to card his fingers through. 

As if Chan was thinking the same he ruffled Minho’s hair. Minho almost flinched at the contact but then he felt cold snowflakes fall on his face to melt away. “You’re covered in snow,” Chan pointed out.

Minho let his hands fall to his sides as no one was holding them anymore, biting the inside of his cheek as Chan started to wipe the snow off his shoulders and back. 

_You just want an excuse to touch my ass,_ Minho would have said back then, when they had been still together. Chan would have tsked and said, _no, that’d be you – I’m just taking care of my boyfriend._

But now, Minho just chuckled. He had no right to miss the old Chan; he had no right to want the current Chan, either. 

“Thanks,” he said and wiped the rest of the snow off his sleeves. It stuck to the fluffy material but eventually, they were able to get most of it off. “That was more fun than I expected.”

Chan smiled teasingly. “Should I tell Innie you wanna go again?”

“Don’t you dare,” Minho was quick to threaten and Chan only laughed. Minho felt the corner of his mouth curl up into a smile.

They spent the day playing outside with Jeongin and when it got dark Chan suggested they could hang out in their hotel room, but Minho felt like he was pushing his luck already. He decided to go back to his hotel room, realizing that he hadn’t spoken to Hyunjin for over 24 hours and that he should check on him, just for the sake of being a good boyfriend.

Minho pressed his key card against the reader and heard laughter from inside the room of not just one person, but – three. He walked in to see Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Felix all sitting on the bed, their faces flushed as they discussed something so funny that they could barely get the words out over the giggles. He felt his heart sink, realizing that he had fallen into a trap.

“Hey, look!” Hyunjin exclaimed, pointing at Minho and suddenly there were three pairs of eyes looking at him. “That’s my fucking fiancé! Can you believe it?”

He said it as if he was genuinely happy, as if he himself couldn’t believe that Minho was still there and Seungmin with Felix reacted accordingly, welcoming Minho with hollering and applause while he barely managed a wave and an awkward ‘hi’. Felix stumbled from the bed to wrap Minho into a tight hug. The smell of champagne and expensive cologne attacked his senses and lingered even after Felix had pulled away to collapse back on the bed.

“I can’t believe you’re getting married,” Seungmin said in awe and Hyunjin nodded.

“Me neither. I hope married life is hella sexy.”

Minho took off his coat to hang it up, his limbs moving in learned patterns while he wondered if they were all in on some kind of joke, if this was Hyunjin’s payback for not sleeping with him the night before or for hanging out with Chan – then he remembered that Hyunjin hadn’t asked where he spent the last two days. 

“What’s fucked up is that _you,”_ Felix jabbed a finger into Hyunjin’s chest, “have been engaged for this long and you’ve barely introduced us. I need to ask Minho about all of the embarrassing things you do.”

“Where do I even begin,” Minho muttered to himself, not expecting anyone to hear him, but the room went silent and then Felix and Seungmin erupted into a fit of laughter.

Minho was in no mood to get drunk in front of people he barely knew so he opted for sitting in one of the armchairs in the room and listening to their conversation while playing a game on his phone, hoping for the time to pass by as quickly as possible. He couldn’t go to the bar just in case Chan were to come too and he would have to explain that his fiancé wasn’t interested in talking to him about his day.

Seungmin and Felix left to go to their rooms when Hyunjin started to seek attention from Minho, physical attention that Minho was in no mood for. He was tired from playing with Jeongin and he had woken up early that day too, so he wanted nothing but to finally go to sleep.

Hyunjin had other plans, straddling Minho’s thighs to kiss his neck and nuzzle into him, nothing but drunken lust as he rolled his hips down onto him. Luckily all it took was a bitter remark from Minho for Hyunjin to retreat into the bathroom, and when quiet moans echoed through the walls, Minho was awake just enough to hear them. He didn’t feel bad in the slightest.

  
  


Minho decided to spend the next few days in a similar pattern – he would wake up before Hyunjin and then go to have breakfast with Chan and Jeongin. They would usually have a plan for what to do that day, mostly directed by Jeongin who would drag them outside for the majority of the day, but when it got dark Minho no longer felt the need to return back to his room, at least not sooner than on Jeongin’s bedtime. Chan didn’t ask him about Hyunjin, Minho didn’t talk about his life in Seoul and somehow it worked like that. 

It was easy with Jeongin between them; he could entertain both Chan and Minho enough for them to not have to talk about anything deeper than what to order in a restaurant or whether a souvenir from a shop looked tacky or not.

Still, there were moments that bothered Minho, stolen glances that made his heart race, exchanges he would keep thinking about for the rest of the day and then mull over as he tried to fall asleep, the sound of Chan’s laughter still echoing in his head when Hyunjin snuggled closer to him at two in the morning. That was also when the guilt set in, seeping through the curtains and trickling down onto the floor, leaving Minho stranded on an island of cushions while Hyunjin slept soundly through all of it. By the time he would meet Chan and Jeongin for breakfast, Minho would be too worn out to do anything about it.

So he let himself indulge. If he let Chan fix his scarf when it blew away, if they didn’t correct the waitress when she called them a cute couple, if Chan referred to him as a dad when talking to Jeongin, he would find an excuse, reasoning for why he didn’t mind, and the ground continued to cave under his steps but he found a way to balance on it.

It was a calm evening at Chan’s hotel room to where they had retreated after a hike that exhausted even Jeongin. Minho was sitting on the floor in a t-shirt that Chan had borrowed him after an incident with spaghetti sauce (in Minho’s opinion a terrible food to buy for a child that can barely hold his utensils let alone reduce the splash zone) while Jeongin drew pictures on the pages of a notebook with the logo of the hotel, making Minho guess whatever animal he was drawing. Chan sat on an armchair next to them with his laptop, appearing to work anytime Minho looked up, but whenever Jeongin said or did something funny he would laugh too.

The pencil was soft on the paper, thick lines smudging easily when Jeongin dragged the heel of his hand across the paper as he tried to explain that what he was drawing wasn’t a giraffe but a horse. Minho tried to help him but Jeongin only swatted his hand away, determined to make the drawing as realistic as he could with how much unnecessary pressure he was putting on the pencil lead.

“See, what about this is a giraffe? It’s _obviously_ a horse, dad,” Jeongin complained, dragging the pencil through the paper to emphasize the lines. 

“Okay, okay, my bad,” Minho giggled, “I see it now. It’s a pretty giraffe – oh, I mean-”

“It’s a horse!” Jeongin whined and lifted both of his hands from the paper, dropping the pencil to shove Minho. With shock Minho suddenly noticed that his palms were almost entirely black from the lead and caught Jeongin’s hands in time.

“Look at that mess,” he gasped exaggeratedly, making Jeongin look at his palms. Jeongin did but only laughed and tried to attack Minho with the more determination and mischief in his giggle. Minho almost fell over, holding Jeongin’s wrists securely. “Let’s go wash your hands,” he told him, now with more authority in his voice. “You’ll get everything dirty and the hotel people will be upset. I’ll help you, yeah?” 

He moved his legs to stand up but Jeongin interrupted him. “I can wash my hands myself,” he said with pride. “I learned it when you were visiting grandma and grandpa. I’m not a baby anymore!”

With that he ran off to the bathroom, leaving Minho startled but most importantly confused. He looked up at Chan who was staring into his laptop again like nothing had happened.

It was like a switch had flipped; one moment he was laughing with Jeongin about his drawings, the other he was confronted with reality. It sent a shiver down his spine and Chan’s eyes glanced up from the screen to meet his.

“You told him I was visiting my parents.”

Chan was silent for a moment, eyes fixed on Minho. He blinked and licked his lips to speak. “He asked about you every day. Where you were and when are you coming back,” he said, absent of any emotion. He was accusing him. 

It hurt, deep inside his chest, the thought of Jeongin looking up with his big eyes to ask about Minho when he was gone. He had left with no intention of returning, giving Jeongin no explanation of his own because he wouldn’t understand, he had left it up to Chan to disappoint Jeongin. He was able to break Chan’s heart, but not Jeongin’s because it wasn’t Jeongin’s fault. Jeongin deserved so much more than him.

“So you gave him false hope that I would return?” he heard himself beg, the fine china chipping around the edges. “You lied to him?”

Chan was looking at him like he had so much to say, like he just needed the right words to tell Minho that he didn’t deserve an explanation, that he had no right to meddle in their family, that everything was his fault.

Which it was.

The way Jeongin ran up to him when he’d first seen him in the hotel lobby, the confusion in his eyes whenever Minho told him he couldn’t be with him at night, the pain he would inevitably cause the day he would return to Seoul and tell them a final goodbye – the heartbreak, the tears, it was all his fault. 

“Was I supposed to tell him you didn’t want him anymore?”

The fine china shattered on the floor and Minho could barely hold his composure, his chest caved on itself when his lungs gave out. He couldn’t answer, perhaps it was even better that way. The last thing he wanted was for Jeongin to think he wasn’t wanted yet it was the obvious thing for Jeongin to assume. 

Jeongin ran back to the room, his hands now clean. He looked happy, carefree like Minho had never left him. It was the way he looked at Minho when it was bedtime and Minho was about to go to his room, the slight frown, how he clung onto his shoulders during a hug, the small “are you gonna come tomorrow?” that betrayed his facade and made Minho ache all over.

  
  
  


“I expected to see you here,” a voice above him said and brought Minho out of his thoughts. He was at the bar again, sitting at his usual chair next to the window, watching the snowfall while self-medicating on whatever bitter he saw on the shelves that night. It was already well past midnight so Minho assumed Chan had as hard of a time to fall asleep after their exchange as he had.

He didn’t answer, bringing the ice-cold glass back to his lips to take a sip. Chan took a seat next to him, keeping a good distance between them while swirling a glass of wine between his fingers.

“Look, I feel like I should say something,” Chan said after a moment.

Minho turned to look at him, confused. 

Chan sighed, running his thumb through the condensation on his glass. “When you left – it was hard on me, yeah? On both of us. And the truth is, I tried to explain it to Jeongin, but I don’t think he ever understood.” Chan took a breath, his voice dropping lower. “I don’t think he’s ever properly gotten over his mother’s death. I remember how he used to wake up in the middle of the night to call for her, until one day, when he stopped. So when you left… I kept hoping that one day he would stop asking when was dad coming home.”

Minho’s heart laid on the floor, shattered pieces bleeding out and staining his clothes. 

Chan sighed. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this. I know we had agreed on ignoring each other but Jeongin keeps talking about you, he wants to see old photos, he’s just so excited to have someone as a family again. But I understand, you now have your family too, you have your fiancé who you love and I have no right to make demands.”

Minho didn’t hear the rest of what Chan said and felt himself shaking his head no, felt the emptiness collapse on itself and tighten a knot on his stomach. When he spoke up his voice shook but he couldn’t conceal it anymore. “I don’t… love him.”

He noticed Chan turn his head to look at him but he couldn’t dare to meet his eyes.

“I don’t even know him.”

“Minho,” Chan called him carefully, voice unsure and barely above a whisper. “How long have you been with Hyunjin?”

He felt nauseous, his gaze fixed on where his nails pressed against his almost empty glass, his head a constant cycle of wanting to run and wanting to cry, but crying would only expose him more and he needed at least some of his dignity to get through the rest of the vacation. He couldn’t run because his legs were too weak so he had no other choice but to speak. “We met six months ago.”

Chan didn’t say anything and the silence stretched between them like tar, sticking to Minho’s fingers and burning through his skin, making it hard to breathe.

“He asked me to marry him on our second dinner with his parents.”

“And you said yes.”

“Of course–” Minho’s voice broke and he had to take a deep breath to continue. But Chan was quicker.

“You deserve more than Hyunjin. Someone that won’t leave you climbing on a cliff when you have the worst fear of heights.”

“Not everyone can just pick and choose who they want to be with,” Minho uttered, much louder to speak over the ringing in his ears. He heard Chan sigh, glass clinking against the table as he set it down.

He didn’t feel like there was anything left to say so he stood up, leaving his drink unfinished.

“Minho,” Chan called out and caught his wrist. Minho looked down at him, finally meeting his eyes. Chan was silent, holding his gaze with his mouth ajar.

“Yeah,” Minho breathed out and for a second he found himself wishing for Chan to say something to make him feel better, something that the old Chan used to say.

Then Chan swallowed, looking away for a second before trying a smile. “Good night.”

  
  
  


Minho woke up on the 24th of December to an empty bed that smelled vaguely of Chan. It was definitely his room, he could tell by the fact that there was only one bed and that Hyunjin had all of his junk on the bedside table, and Minho realized that the scent originated from the t-shirt he was wearing. It was Chan’s, the one he had borrowed from him the day before and that Minho hadn’t yet returned and fell asleep in instead. 

It messed with his sleepy brain, in a way that was too delectable to suppress, that only made him keep his eyes closed as he rolled onto his front to rut down into the mattress. He collected the blanket under his crotch for better friction and imagined it were Chan’s fingers in his mouth, preventing him from making noises while he coated them with spit. It wasn’t the best for lubrication but he was scared that the fantasy in his head would disappear were he to reach to Hyunjin’s bedside for lube; he was also already partially stretched from the night before when Hyunjin made him forget about the conversation with Chan while the image of Chan himself remained permanently tattooed on his eyelids.

It was exactly that image, the memory of his voice, low and teasing in his ears while he fingered Minho as he had often liked to, of the strength in his arms as he held him in place to prevent him from squirming, of the wet kisses that stuck to his skin that made him spill over with Chan’s name on his lips.

The orgasm left him breathless with wet spots on the mattress under his dick and under his mouth as he couldn’t stop mouthing at the material in a desperate attempt to bite down onto something. He managed to lift himself up on his elbows to inspect the mess before he sat down on his knees and threw his head back in frustration. He hadn’t expected to begin the first day of christmas by masturbating to the fantasy of his ex-boyfriend while his fiancé was breaking his limbs on a snowboard – but he had figured a long time ago that it was too late to change his fate.

Minho took a long shower and then headed to the hotel restaurant, realizing that it was already lunchtime and that Chan and Jeongin were probably somewhere outside. The second he entered the restaurant he noticed Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Felix sitting at one table. Felix waved at him immediately so he would join them. Like Minho had any other choice now.

“Hi,” he greeted them simply and sat down on the only free chair, opposite to Hyunjin. “Have you ordered already?”

“We just got back from the slope,” Hyunjin said and Minho found himself having a hard time meeting his gaze. 

“Oh, right,” he nodded, distracting his hands by going through the menu. “How is snowboarding?”

“It’s awesome,” Seungmin answered. “Hyunjin fell into the snow today. You should’ve seen it, it was hilarious.”

“And Seungmin made the entire chairlift stop because he got stuck,” Hyunjin fought back.

“You guys are impossible,” Felix shook his head.

“The only reason why you haven’t broken your nose yet is that you just flirt with the hot middle-aged guys by the food stand half the time,” Seungmin pointed out and Minho had to snort at how proud Felix looked.

“And I’m doing great at that, thank you very much,” Felix giggled. 

Seungmin turned to Minho. “Yesterday he ditched us at two pm just to screw some random Swiss guy in his winter cottage. This is our first time seeing him since then.”

Minho chuckled at how personally affected Seungmin seemed to be while Felix only smiled, the apples of his cheeks dusted pink. “Spare us the details,” Hyunjin said, the _us_ so casual that Minho would have almost missed that it referred to the two of them.

“You guys are just jealous,” Felix whined.

And yeah, maybe Minho was jealous. It made him think that maybe if he had gone alone he would have had a fun time too – that maybe he hadn’t had to wait for Hyunjin to go on the vacation of his dreams. 

Minho decided to spend the rest of the day with the three of them, figuring that it wasn’t that bad when Hyunjin had two other people to direct his attention to. He joined Felix at the food stand, sitting next to a heater that made it pretty comfortable to just sit and chat while Hyunjin and Seungmin had fun snowboarding. Felix was easy to talk to, never running out of relatively safe topics that steered away from Hyunjin or Minho’s personal life and Minho found out that he didn’t mind listening to his stories of hilarious hook-ups when it was an alternative to talking about how fun Hyunjin is. He wondered if it was just Felix’s nature or if he had already noticed that something was off with their relationship.

He returned to the hotel by himself when the sky got dark. It was under the excuse that he was tired and cold, which was partially true; the real reason was that he had missed Jeongin and Chan.

Fortunately, it was easy to find them in Chan’s room. Minho had already gotten over the awkwardness that prevented him from just knocking at their door, knowing how happy Jeongin was to see him each time. With the promise of Jeongin’s laughter, Minho was able to ignore the conversation with Chan from the night before and the heat in his cheeks when he recalled the fantasy from the morning.

Chan welcomed him with a smile. “Hi,” he said, letting him into the room, “we haven’t seen you in the morning.”

Minho took off his jacket and suddenly Jeongin was there too, hugging him. He greeted him as well before looking back at Chan. “I slept in.”

“Right,” Chan nodded, probably realizing that he had gotten to bed later than usual because of their conversation at the bar. “Is everything okay?”

_No,_ Minho nodded yes and smiled, meeting Chan’s gaze. “What do you have in plan for tonight?”

“There’s a little christmas concert at the lobby in an hour so we’re going to dinner now and then we’ll go see it. Jeongin is really excited.” Jeongin nodded against his leg as he hugged him.

“Are you gonna spend christmas eve with us, Dad?” Jeongin looked up at him and Minho’s heart melted.

He looked up at Chan, Chan who always smiled even when it hurt, Chan who had never denied him of anything, Chan that made him fall in love when he didn’t believe in it – “Of course,” Minho said and Chan’s smile was even wider and made Minho realize he had been mirroring it. 

So that was how they spent the rest of the evening, at candle-lit dinner where he chatted with Chan about his work – he was a producer at a broadcasting station – and helped Jeongin to cut up the meat on his plate, all the while ignoring the thoughts that would distract him from how right it felt. All he could see were the lights in Chan’s eyes, the happiness in Jeongin’s and that was all that really mattered. 

The concert began shortly after dinner and Chan sat right next to Minho with Jeongin in his lap so he would see better. Jeongin clapped excitedly after each song, the concert was obviously mostly for kids so he loved it and gave Minho an excuse to steal little glances at Chan. He savored the sight of him happy like this in case it was the last time he would see him like that; he no longer wanted his last memory of Chan to be one where his eyes were red from crying and his voice broken.

Minho took a couple of pictures of Chan and Jeongin next to the huge christmas tree in the lobby as Chan had requested, and then a single one more of all three of them upon Jeongin’s request. The photo went onto his phone so after sending it to Chan he took a dozen more of the tree itself just so it wouldn’t be on top of his gallery.

They let Jeongin stay up for longer that evening, going on a walk around the hotel to look at the christmas lights and enjoy the atmosphere and Minho didn’t bump into Hyunjin for the entire time and kept him out of his thoughts as well. It was so nice that Minho found himself stepping nervously into Chan’s room when it was Jeongin’s bedtime because that usually meant an end to the evening.

Jeongin slept with the plushie that Minho gave him and made sure to point it out that evening as well. Chan let Minho sit next to him on Jeongin’s bed as they talked to him in quiet voices until he fell asleep, a smile still lingering on his lips and the fox plushie resting under his hand.

Minho didn’t dare to speak up, scared to wake him up, so he played with the sleeves of his sweater instead. Chan was looking at Jeongin, nothing but love in his gaze and Minho felt like it was a christmas miracle that he had let Minho witness such a vulnerable moment.

“Do you wanna go outside for a bit?” Chan broke the silence, gently with a hand next to Minho’s thighs on the bed and Minho nodded, not hiding his excitement at all. If Chan wanted to talk to him about something serious again he would take it, he would let Chan tell him off a million times just to hear his voice for longer.

So they took the exact same path as they did with Jeongin but this time both silent, letting the atmosphere speak instead and Minho wondered if it would break Chan’s heart if he held his hand like he wanted to – or if it would break his. 

“I’m sorry,” Chan said when they were on their way back to the hotel. “For prying into your and Hyunjin’s business yesterday.”

Chan had the habit of apologizing; wearing his heart on his sleeve he could never hide anything from Minho and he overthought everything as well, he would mistake Minho’s silence for anger so Minho had tried his best to always make sure Chan knew he was loved – back then. So Chan apologizing for something so minute only made Minho smile, remembering the time when they’d first met. “You haven’t said anything wrong.”

Chan exhaled. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Minho thought about it – he had felt uncomfortable, but for a second he hadn’t blamed Chan for it. He regretted letting his guard down so much, he had found himself doing that a lot around Chan.

“Whatever you have with Hyunjin… it’s not my place to give you my opinion or judge you.”

They walked to the wrap-around balcony and found themselves in front of the windows of the bar but neither of them made a move to go inside. “Chan,” Minho said to make him look up at him. “You haven’t said anything wrong,” he repeated and Chan only pressed his lips together into a thin line. Not that he was looking.

Chan leaned his back against the railing of the balcony so Minho stood next to him, idly watching the people inside celebrate the christmas eve with champagne and laughter that didn’t carry through the glass but Minho could almost feel it on his skin. 

“Do you remember our first christmas with Jeongin?”

Chan chuckled softly. “Yeah. We barely had any money to spare so you decorated a snake plant to be the christmas tree.”

“And you almost burned the kitchen down trying to make cookies,” Minho said and Chan laughed at the memory. 

“Innie wanted to play and I forgot them in the oven,” Chan defended himself, the exact same thing he had said when it happened. “But the second batch was good and you know it.”

“Yeah, they were,” Minho smiled. “You also made me run out of the apartment with you at seven in the morning the first day it snowed.”

“We can’t miss the first snow!” Chan imitated his own voice and Minho’s heart caught on fire, it wasn’t just the _we,_ the way it sounded like it was the present day Chan saying it to the present day Minho – it was also the fact that after Chan had brought Minho outside and kissed him under that very first snow, he had then pulled him back to their bedroom to make love to him, in the sweetest way possible that left Minho gripping onto Chan’s back to keep him close as he whispered _I love you, I love you, I love you._

Minho let out a shaky breath, looking at his feet steady on the ground.

“It still hurts, doesn’t it,” Chan said as an afterthought.

And Chan was right, he was always right, Minho had put all of the pain on Chan because he had believed it didn’t hurt him at all, how could it when Minho didn’t have the heart to feel it?, but it took just that one sentence for him to feel it, to realize it had always been there, even when he was kissing Hyunjin in front of his parents – it wasn’t butterflies, it had never been no matter how hard he had tried to convince himself of it, it was only burning pain. The pain that had made him numb, unable to feel anything until he met Chan again.

Chan, who stood in front of him and looked into his eyes with no fear because he had already learned to accept the pain, because Minho couldn’t hurt him again.

Chan, who had fallen in love with him and kept it to himself for an entire year just so he wouldn’t ruin their friendship. 

Chan, who wasn’t afraid to love him with his entire heart even when he thought Minho didn’t care. 

Minho nodded gently, turning to face him. Chan made the slightest movement with his arms and Minho didn’t hesitate to accept the hug. Chan was warm, arms firm around him and Minho listened to his breath next to his ear, burying his face into Chan’s coat. It smelled like him, like the shirt he had borrowed, the one he had still not returned and kept folded under the pillow, like the cologne Minho had bought him for his 23rd birthday and Chan liked it so much he had kept buying it since then; the scent that Minho had associated with Chan and Chan only. The warm, the masculine, the loving, the irreplaceable.

They pulled away, only the slightest bit and that way they were perhaps even closer. Minho knew he should pull away more but he was in Chan’s orbit already and the gravity would pull him back in even if he tried.

Minho could feel Chan’s breath on his cheeks. His lips were shiny with spit and looked so incredibly soft, so inviting, so kissable, Minho wanted nothing more than to erase the distance between them but it wasn’t just the few centimeters, there was a ravine of Minho’s past mistakes separating them and Chan wasn’t the one stopping him from taking that necessary step forward.

His hands were on Chan’s neck, the skin was impossibly hot, pulsing and Minho wasn’t sure if it wasn’t his own heartbeat he felt. He moved one of his hands to Chan’s cheek, he needed to feel the warmth of his lips so desperately yet deep inside he knew he was forbidden to taste it again so he settled for his thumb to graze the soft flesh, imagining how it would feel against his own lips.

“Minho,” Chan breathed out and it sent shivers down his spine that he could _feel_ the words vibrate against his thumb. He looked up to see that Chan had his eyes closed, brows pinched together because it hurt, Minho knew it hurt because it hurt him too, so he moved his hand away and let it fall to his side.

He hadn’t realized with how much force Chan was holding him before Chan let him go as well and the world started spinning again.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered because he felt like it needed to be said but Chan barely reacted, avoiding Minho’s gaze.

“It’s okay,” Chan muttered and although it was a lie it comforted Minho enough to pull away completely.

He let Chan be the one to walk away, to leave him in the cold alone and he let the cold seep through his clothes deep into his core, let freezing gusts of wind numb his face until he felt like the ghost of Chan’s lips had disappeared completely.

It was already late but Minho didn’t want to risk running into Hyunjin at their hotel room so he went to the only place where he felt safe that wasn’t Chan’s arms – the bar. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Minho still remembered the day when Jeongin became an orphan. His biological father had left even before he was born and Chan’s sister was determined to raise him on her own. Chan had always said how incredible she was, how she took care of her newborn while making a career for herself, so set on giving Jeongin the best life possible – until the day of the accident when everything fell apart.

Minho was at the mall when he got the call from Chan. He was picking out a winter jacket for the vacation they had been planning for a couple of months already, tourist guides with must-see sights circled in blue and black pens scattered around Chan’s studio apartment. They had been dating for almost two years and Chan’s apartment became theirs – Minho still had his room at his parents' house but barely visited, the university being a good enough excuse to spend all of his time with Chan. Chan, who was twenty-two and had eyes for Minho only. Chan, who had been saving up to take Minho on the vacation of their dreams.

“Channie, hi,” he held the phone to his ear as he thumbed on the material of a dark blue puffer jacket. When Chan didn’t say anything back, he let the jacket go and pushed his finger against his other ear in hopes that it was just the music that played in the store that he couldn’t hear over. “Channie?”

“Minho,” Chan finally spoke up but his voice was broken, followed by a sob.

“Did something happen?”

Minho was already on his way out of the store, his winter jacket forgotten as he rushed out into the street. “Yeah, fuck, Minho, I–” Chan was crying and it sent Minho into a panic.

“Where are you?”

“It’s, uh,” Chan managed with a sob, “just come home as soon as you can, yeah? Is it okay with you?”

“Of course– Chan, tell me what’s happening, did something happen at home?”

“Just come home, I’ll be there soon,” Chan said and ended the call. So Minho bought a ride back to their apartment, using his parents’ money as he always did in emergencies.

But when Chan came home, it was nothing that Minho could have expected. He had blond hair back then, entering their apartment with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes – and a baby in his arms, a stroller behind him.

“Chan,” he ran up to him, worried and immediately looking for signs of injury or something that would help him understand the situation, but Chan only gave him a faint smile.

“Jeongin will be staying with us for some time,” he said and Minho finally looked at the one and a half-year-old child, mildly confused as he took in his surroundings.

Chan didn’t explain then, letting Jeongin take a look around the apartment and familiarize himself while Minho kept his gaze on Chan, equally as confused as Jeongin.

He had already met Jeongin when he was born, he couldn’t even walk or talk then. Now he could run around a little bit and Chan put on a cartoon for him to watch when he got too tired. He fed him from a spoon and then put him to sleep in his bed. Minho sat next to him as he sang a lullaby, voice wavering at the end when Jeongin was already asleep yet Chan continued to sing, clutching Minho’s hand in both of his palms and Minho leaned against his shoulder, hoping to bring Chan the comfort he needed.

It was silent after, nothing but the distant noise of traffic under their windows and the sound of Chan’s heavy breathing. Minho brought his other hand to stroke Chan’s back.

“Balcony?” Chan whispered and Minho nodded immediately. Their apartment was just one room with a tiny bathroom and a kitchen corner, meaning the balcony was the only place somewhat soundproof from the rest of the apartment. They didn’t even have any furniture on it so Minho sat down on the windowsill, hands folded in his lap as he waited for Chan to close the door and join him.

Chan sat on the floor opposite to Minho, elbows on raised knees so he could hide his face. And Minho waited patiently, they had all the time in the world and Chan would find the correct words eventually.

He started crying then; his shoulders started to shake and he slowly curled up on himself as the sobs became uncontrolled, tearing through the silence and breaking Minho as well. Chan cried easily and although Minho had considered himself tough, he wasn’t immune when Chan teared up and he always ended up crying with him. 

“It’s my sister,” he managed through the tears. “She had an accident. She didn’t make it.”

And Minho had already expected something of the sort but it still broke his heart to hear Chan say it. He had met his sister only a handful of times but he could feel the pain through Chan. He leaned forward to take his hands and Chan finally looked up at him. 

“I’m so sorry Minho,” Chan muttered before breaking into more tears.

“Why would you be sorry,” Minho said, running his thumbs over the backs of Chan’s hands. Chan took a deep breath.

“I’m going to adopt Jeongin. I know I’m not ready to have a child but my parents are too old to take care of him and I’m the closest relative he has.”

Minho nodded, maybe not properly taking in what it meant yet but it made sense. It was an intimidating idea to take care of a baby when they were still in school, but something about it warmed his heart. 

Chan shook his head. “I know it’s a lot. But I want to give Jeongin a proper home and although I love both of you, I will understand if you…”

He couldn’t seem to be able to finish the sentence so Minho squeezed his hands, wet from tears.

“I won’t hold it against you if you decide to leave.”

Minho collapsed on his knees next to Chan. “Oh, Channie,” he whispered and Chan grasped the material of his hoodie to bury his face into it. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“It’s really okay,” Chan insisted but Minho only hugged him closer to his body. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks as he pressed a kiss into his hair.

“Don’t say nonsense. It would be an honour to raise a child with you,” he muttered. He took a deep breath as if he was saying something risky, but in that moment it felt like a relief: “I’ve always wanted a kid.”

“That’s a lie,” Chan chuckled through the tears. “You’ve wanted cat babies.”

Minho had to chuckle too, sniffing the tears away. He shook his head, remembering the kitten that he had saved just a week prior but couldn’t keep. “That too. But I didn’t want to scare you by telling you I want kids after barely two years of dating.”

Chan finally looked up at him, eyes red and cheeks wet from tears. Then, hopefully: “You do?” 

Minho nodded, closing his eyes as he pressed a kiss onto his forehead. “Yeah. Neither of us is ready but I’m willing to try with you.”

Chan held his waist as Minho knelt between his legs on the cold balcony floor. “I love you so much,” he said into his hoodie.

“I love you too. And I’m not going anywhere.”

And then, because he felt like Chan needed to hear it and because it was the truth:

“I think you will be a great father to Jeongin.”

It took some time for Jeongin to warm up to them. He often had nightmares that would leave him crying and screaming in the middle of the night but Chan was always there to calm him down, sacrificing his sleep to give Jeongin his everything. He almost sacrificed his degree as well when he got a full-time job that he almost had to drop out because of, but luckily he found a system that worked and allowed him to get his degree while still making enough money. Minho asked his parents for help and although they were reluctant, they gave him a job at their company that he didn’t even have to go to most of the time and got paid anyway, allowing him to take classes and stay at home with Jeongin.

He knew all of their hard work had paid off when Jeongin called Chan dad for the first time. He cried happy tears for the rest of the evening that day and Minho couldn’t help but kiss him on the lips every time he smiled, eventually ending with a heated make-out session that left Minho glad they had moved into a bigger apartment where Jeongin could have his own room. The similar happened when Jeongin called Minho dad as well and it changed Minho’s entire life. He hadn’t expected to be so moved but he was and Chan knew it too, it was the kind of unmatched happiness that he wouldn’t find anywhere else.

And Jeongin appeared happy, too. He started laughing and Minho loved to spend his days taking care of him while Chan was at work, and when Chan finally came home in the evening he welcomed him with a kiss while Jeongin sat in his arms and one of the fondest memories Minho had was of the two of them sitting by Jeongin’s bed, waiting for him to fall asleep. Sometimes Minho would read to him and sometimes Chan would sing the same lullaby that his sister used to sing, and sometimes Jeongin and Chan would fall asleep on the couch together while watching the TV. 

And if Minho had to deal with more and more messages and calls from his mother, at the end of the day it would be fine. They were so happy.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


It was Felix who found Minho at the bar, curled up on the armchair while clutching a glass of vodka, diluted by the ice cubes that had long melted. 

Felix, another reminder of his new life. Felix who coped with his family’s pressure by sleeping around on expensive vacations all around the world where no one could tell him what not to do.

“Minho!” he greeted him excitedly, plopping down onto the seat opposite to him. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with Hyunjin?”

And suddenly Minho wondered why hadn’t he tried to run away already, maybe then he could finally escape all of the questions he didn’t know answers to.

Felix squinted his eyes at him, tilting his head. “Is everything okay?”

Maybe it was the vulnerability left by Chan, maybe it was the atmosphere and maybe it was just the alcohol in his bloodstream when he said: “I can't marry Hyunjin.”

To that, Felix laughed. Minho almost flinched, looking up at him to see if it was a mocking laugh, a big _told-you-so,_ but the laugh appeared sincere. Like he had just heard the funniest thing in the world. “Everyone gets cold feet, you’ll be fine.”

Of course – because Felix didn’t understand. Minho shook his head. 

“You might feel nervous because it’s such a big commitment but I’m sure that deep down, you know that Hyunjin is the one. Right?”

And Minho wished Felix was correct. He wished that every time he saw Hyunjin he felt that surge of butterflies in his stomach, that he thought about kissing him every time their eyes met, that he had a hard time falling asleep at night because he couldn’t stop thinking about him.

So he shook his head no and buried his face into his hands so Felix wouldn’t see him cry. Because he had truly tried his best to fall in love with Hyunjin. But unfortunately for Hyunjin, Chan, and himself as well, Minho walked through life and left nothing but heartbreak in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought in the comments! Kudos are also appreciated ❤ 
> 
> Talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/wooyngthighs) !


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long - I had exams and couldn't focus on writing at all. I hope this chapter makes up for it at least a little bit!
> 
> [Also, I made a spotify playlist for this fic!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2MkJxkvgYBhcNKowmfWu9E?si=a272ffe2d6214766) (Link also in end notes)

Minho recovered from his emotional meltdown in front of Felix just as how he had dealt with everything in his life from the past two years – he buried it six feet under the ground and ignored it. Except now, it didn’t feel like he was pouring hot asphalt over the wounds, he was barely sprinkling over beach sand, the kind that would get blown away in the slightest of winds, the kind that he would have drawn hearts into just for them to be washed away by the high tide.

And Felix looked like he understood, maybe not fully, but in a way that felt like enough. Minho had learned to settle for less and the fact that Felix wasn’t calling his mother the second he had told him that the engagement was a sham – that was all he needed, really.

He managed to get to bed with Felix supporting his weight on his small frame so he wouldn’t trip over the carpet. 

So maybe Hyunjin’s friends weren’t just pretty things fueled by money. Maybe they were more than Minho was, caring, troubled with the life set out for them but full of passion and love too. Felix told him about his love for fashion, how he liked to dress up for fancy events and how his frequent vacations allowed him to do so, freeing him from the prison of a boxy suit that his parents’ company required. Minho told him that he should follow his dream but Felix only chuckled, his eyes sparkling as he met his eyes: _as if you were following yours._

And that was why the next morning, Minho headed straight to Chan’s hotel room after waking up. He had only three days left of the vacation and had no will left to spend them with Hyunjin, pretending. 

Instead, he joined Jeongin as he doodled into his notebook while Chan took a shower. Although they were far from a family, it was domestic and Minho was glad Chan trusted him to watch over Jeongin; that little kid gave him at least some semblance of sanity.

“Can I show you something?” Jeongin asked at one point. Minho nodded so he ran off to Chan’s bedside table, but then hesitated, turning back at Minho. “But it’s a secret so you can’t tell Dad.”

Minho’s smile faltered, it wasn’t a good sign that Jeongin wanted to keep something from Chan – but kids are kids, he thought and nodded again, with a conspiratorial smirk just for the sake of the game. “I promise,” he said, making a gesture like he was zipping his mouth shut.

Jeongin pursed his lips, nodding back. Minho saw him grab a phone from the table and unlock it before he sat down next to him. “Dad told me that I shouldn’t show you but I don’t get it. It’s my most favorite picture.”

He was scrolling through the gallery on Chan’s phone, little fingers flitting over the screen faster than Minho could comprehend and then there was a photo, awfully familiar one, and Jeongin was shoving the phone into Minho’s face so he wouldn’t miss it.

It was the three of them – Minho was cradling little baby Jeongin in his arms, letting him grab onto his index finger while Chan sat next to him, one arm around Minho’s waist and the other one on his knee. Minho remembered when Chan’s sister had taken the photo, they were visiting on Jeongin’s one month birthday and Chan’s sister had let them hold the baby to play with him. Minho had thought that they were both smiling at Jeongin, who was discovering the world with pure awe on his face, cheeks round and eyes sparkling – but Chan was only looking at Minho. Chan’s sister had later sent the photo to him, commenting on what a perfect couple they were, and Minho suddenly understood exactly where she was coming from when he looked at the picture. Chan’s gaze was full of love, nothing but pure adoration and fondness, a look so tender that Minho had almost teared up the first time he saw it.

He could finally understand what his friends had meant when they told him that _everyone can see how whipped he is for you._

But now, all Minho felt was a hand gripping on his heart, wringing it between its fingers until it turned into a mush.

“It’s your favorite?” Minho choked out and Jeongin nodded.

“I had it in my room but then the frame broke and dad still didn’t get me a new one,” he explained with a slight frown.

“How did it break?”

Jeongin pursed his lips, thinking. “Dad told me it fell onto the floor while he was cleaning, but I wasn’t there so I don’t know.”

Minho didn’t notice the shower had stopped running so when Chan opened the door, he almost flinched. He looked up at him as he approached the two of them in nothing but his underwear and a white, almost see-through t-shirt. If Minho’s heart wasn’t racing already, it would have definitely started now.

“Innie, have you seen my phone?”

Jeongin took that as an accusation and immediately locked the phone. “I was just showing dad my photos!”

Chan measured him with a look, taking the phone and placing it back on his nightstand silently. He looked back at Minho as he grabbed a pair of jeans. “He wasn’t bothering you with the hundreds of koala pics he took in Australia,” he asked with a chuckle but his eyes showed a hint of nervousness. 

Minho was still sitting on the carpeted floor, stunned with the photo burned into his eyelids. He smiled back at him, shaking his head. “Come on, how could Innie ever bother me?”

To emphasize, he ruffled Jeongin’s hair. Chan seemed to be satisfied with the answer and finished dressing and if he suspected something, Minho couldn’t tell.

Twenty minutes later, they were standing in front of the hotel on a slanted field of fresh snow. Jeongin insisted that he wanted to build something from the snow so it was a great opportunity, combined with the fact that if he got tired or cold they could just head right back inside. It didn’t seem like Jeongin would get tired any time soon, though – he was in full power, already briefing Chan on how they would build the snowman before getting right into it. 

He rolled out the first giant ball of snow until it was too heavy for him and Chan took over. The second snowball was a little bit smaller and Jeongin managed to make it almost entirely himself, but once again asked Chan at the end because he couldn’t lift it up onto the first one. It wasn’t as easy as it seemed and they had to secure it in place with additional snow, which was when Minho decided on his first attack.

He crouched to the ground and gathered more snow into his gloves and then made a move as if to add it onto the snowman. Chan was right next to him, focusing on the task at hand that he didn’t notice his coat was a little bit loose and there was a gap between the coat and the fabric of his sweatshirt. Using his free hand, Minho reached to grab the sweatshirt and before Chan could even turn around –

Chan shot right up and shook his shoulders as if he had been possessed, gasping at the snow rapidly melting and trickling down his spine. _“Minho,”_ he growled, upset but with a hint of entertainment as his lips curled into a smirk. “You’re in for it.”

Minho cackled, stumbling backwards as Chan crouched to make a snowball. He dodged the first one with laughter and promptly made his own snowball, already running away. “Oh you’re _soo_ scary,” he mocked him and threw the snowball. It landed in the middle of Chan’s chest, splattering snow into his face.

“Just you wait–” he threatened and Minho dodged yet another one of his attacks. Chan chased him only a couple of meters in a circle and managed to hit his leg, but Minho wouldn’t admit that it was the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Then he hit a bump on the ground and suddenly the ground slipped under his feet, sending him right into the fresh snow. He barely caught himself on the heels of his palms but collapsed onto his back right after, the snow now all around him, probably much worse than the sprinkle down Chan’s back. But Minho didn’t mind at all, he was laughing, Jeongin was laughing somewhere in the distance as well and Chan – Chan was right there, reaching out with his hand to help him up.

This time, Minho decided to take revenge. He took Chan’s hand but instead of standing up, he tugged, hard and with a faint kick into Chan’s ankle Chan was suddenly falling to his knees, one of them between Minho’s and his hands on both sides of Minho’s head.

And Minho wanted to kiss him senseless. 

Chan looked at him like he did, too.

His mind flashed back to the photo that Jeongin had shown him, the way Chan looked at him like he would pick the stars from the night sky just to make Minho happy – and thought that perhaps, Chan had never stopped looking at him like that.

He was so close, his mouth looking as inviting as ever, the memory of the night before engraved into his bones yet the reason for not kissing Chan getting lost on him. Would it be so damning if Minho had kissed him right then and there? Would it be a bigger sin to kiss Chan in broad daylight? Would it be so grave, compared to the calamity that Minho had already caused?

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Minho met Chan in his first year of university. 

It was a regular day, a regular lunch that Minho always got with Changbin after their economics class every Wednesday, at their regular spot on the campus, and it was a complete coincidence that on that very Wednesday, Changbin’s friend Jisung had his classes cancelled and was hanging out with Chan at that very spot. It was far from a meet-cute, Minho had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn’t looking for one, so although he could see that Chan was very, _very_ attractive, damn even _hot,_ Minho introduced himself to him prepared to never talk to him again. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t expect the universe to arrange itself in a way that would make it hard for him to avoid Chan.

And he couldn’t avoid him ever since that meeting. It wasn’t just how Chan had implanted himself into Minho’s memory – he kept thinking about how Chan could barely meet his gaze, blushing whenever he did. From that one Wednesday he suddenly saw Chan _everywhere,_ in some of his classes, in the library, by the vending machines, it was almost suspicious that he hadn’t noticed him earlier. Especially when Chan wore sleeveless tops right after his workouts, with his biceps bulging and distracting Minho from putting one foot in front of the other.

They became friends, spending time with Changbin and Jisung as a group but also finding opportunities to hang out just as the two of them. With Minho’s crush developing dangerously quickly and his urge to act out on his emotions, Minho found himself flirting with Chan in rather obvious ways. To his disappointment, Chan never seemed to reciprocate it – but he didn’t seem to be against it, either. He blushed easily and just enough to egg Minho on, to make him do the lamest tricks in his desperate attempt to see whether Chan was interested too.

It started with saying ‘you love me’ as a joke, calling their meet-ups ‘dates’ even when it was just a trip to the convenience store. Then Minho started to dress up shamelessly, wearing his tightest jeans and revealing necklines and acting in ways that only accentuated his features, like bending down to pick up a pen when he _knew_ Chan was looking (only to stand back up and see Chan busy with his phone, blushing). 

It even came to the point where Minho stuck a jelly candy between his teeth when Chan asked him for one, foolishly hoping that Chan would try to steal a kiss even if it would be just for a brief moment. Yet Chan never caved and it drove Minho crazy. 

And maybe Minho was just a coward. He had never once attempted to ask Chan out because he didn’t believe Chan would want him too, in the same, heart-wrenching way that Minho wanted him. Even though both Changbin and Jisung tried to convince him that only a fool wouldn’t see the way Chan looked at him.

The day everything changed was just another Wednesday as well. It rained heavily and they were hanging out at Chan’s dorm, something pretty regular between the two of them. Chan had a deadline the following day and was stressing over it, nervously pacing around the room while Minho read through his essay, trying his best to give him some feedback. 

“Thank you so much again,” he sighed, sitting down next to Minho with a defeated expression. “What would I do without you, honestly.”

“Come on, you’d be fine,” Minho said. Chan had the habit of putting himself down and Minho was determined to break that habit. “It’s a good essay.”

Chan sighed again, hanging his head as he leaned his elbows on his knees. “How can I ever repay you?”

Minho chuckled, gaze still focused on the word document. He didn’t need Chan to pay him for proofreading his essay, it was what _friends_ did and Minho had no other plans, anyway. And spending time with Chan was a privilege of its own. 

But still, he couldn’t help himself. He brought a finger to his cheek and tapped it.

“Two kisses, please.”

He didn’t hear any reaction so he chuckled again, after all, he didn’t _really_ mean it. Of course, it would be nice if Chan kissed him, but he knew he was being greedy. 

When the silence stretched on for too long, Minho turned his head to look at Chan, heart racing. It skipped a beat when he saw Chan frowning at the ground, definitely not the reaction he had anticipated.

It ended with Chan running out into the rain and Minho following after him, like something out of a movie. Turned out, Chan was upset that Minho kept teasing him because he had believed that his crush on Minho was one-sided, unreciprocated at best, and thought that Minho was flirty like that with everyone – and Minho asking him for an innocent kiss on the cheek was the final straw.

“We can’t be friends anymore, Minho,” he said when Minho finally caught up, face red and refusing to meet Minho’s eyes. “It’s not fair to you.”

“What are you saying?” Minho had to shout over the heavy rain as he pleaded, trying to make Chan look at him.

And that was how Chan confessed to him, and Minho was so breathless, so speechless that his only response was to kiss him, to press his entire body against Chan’s so he would perhaps feel how much was his heart pounding, how much he liked him too, _how stupid they had been this entire time._

Chan kissed him back, after pulling away briefly to check that this was real, and just like that, everything fell back into place. In Chan’s arms, that was where he belonged. Not just as his friend but as his _boyfriend,_ and nothing had ever felt so right. To lay next to Chan and be able to call him _his._ Chan made him feel so incredibly warm, so loved even before he had the courage to name the emotion endlessly burning deep in his chest.

Minho and Chan quickly became a popular couple on their campus. Not only was Chan very social and everyone had known him already, but Minho also made a point by sending a deadly glare to anyone who dared to so much as breathe around Chan. He was very possessive but Chan liked his open displays of affection and it worked like that. Even some of their professors noticed the new couple and one congratulated them for finally getting together after an entire year. 

And even when the honeymoon phase ended, Minho loved going on dates every week, whether it was a walk around the city or a coffee and a dessert or even just sitting down to watch a movie together – it was the simple things that made every single minute with Chan worth the rare moments of disagreement. 

When Chan rented out a studio apartment it was a sure thing for Minho to come live there with him. It was much healthier of an environment than his parents’ house where he was interrogated each time he didn’t come home at night. They knew he was dating Chan, Minho had made the effort to arrange a dinner so they could meet him and Chan was so happy to do so, glad to be more involved in Minho’s life. But then his parents started asking about _Chan’s_ parents, what they did for a living, if Chan was following in their footsteps and what his career plans were – and Minho could see that it was a lot, even though Chan tried his hardest to not show it. Minho’s parents weren’t thrilled about Chan, but that was okay because Minho… Minho was in love with Chan. 

Then Jeongin came into their lives and Minho was the happiest person in the world. It truly felt like having a family of his own and Chan said it too, even when they struggled with money and didn’t have that much time for each other anymore. But it was fine, it was going to be fine and Minho firmly believed it.

Truth was, they didn’t _have to_ struggle – Minho was now working for his parents and could ask for a raise any time he wanted. But the more money he wanted, the more actual involvement his parents asked of him. It was never enough, one time Minho wasn’t available for a family meeting because Jeongin caught a fever and his parents docked his pay, the other they demanded him to spend an entire week on a business trip, trying to tear him away from Chan. Minho ended up stuck between needing his parents’ money to sustain his family, and being wrenched apart from said family at the same time.

Minho didn’t want to bother Chan with his parents’ schemes. Chan was already busy at his own job, it would be selfish for him to ruin the only time they had to themselves by dumping his problems on him. With that logic in mind, Minho took it upon himself to visit his parents every couple of days to hear out their opinions on his lifestyle, on Chan and Jeongin, and what he should be spending his time and energy on instead. He would come back home with his mind frazzled, each visit making his picture of him and Chan more and more distorted like tearing out pieces out of a jigsaw puzzle and connecting them where they didn’t belong – and Chan would still greet him with a tired but fond smile on his face, like the world still made sense.

In a way, he had always known that his parents didn’t like Chan. He wasn’t going to be a lawyer or a doctor or an heir to a famous company, he had nothing to his name but his heart that Minho couldn’t make his parents appreciate. And when the day finally came and Minho’s mother tried to break them up for the first time, Minho had long sensed it coming.

“He’s cheating on you,” she said, without any preamble, not even a cadence that would make it sound more important than ‘pass me the salt, dear’. And although Minho’s heart sank at the very idea, he barely flinched. It wouldn’t be the most out-of-nowhere statement that he’d heard.

“Chan’s not cheating on me, mum,” Minho sighed. If he had heard the same statement when he’d begun dating Chan, maybe back then he would have been worried. But even then he had known Chan well enough to know that he was an honest man.

His mom pretended to not hear him. “What about his secretary? Do you know who it is?”

“Chan’s secretary is sixty-three and happily married. I’ve met her and she’s very nice. She has a drawer full of candy for when her granddaughter visits her. And I really don’t think Chan would go for someone his parents’ age.”

It wasn’t the answer that his mom wanted to hear and Minho looked up at her as she frowned into her salad, metal fork scratching the porcelain bowl tearing through the silence. “What about his other coworkers, hm? Jisung?”

Minho laughed with nothing but bitterness, a single breathy ‘ha’ to point out the ridiculousness of such an accusation. Chan and Jisung were very good friends and close too, especially with Jisung who appreciated a lot of physical contact – but Minho also knew that Chan didn’t like Jisung in _that way_ and that Jisung was heavily crushing on his neighbour at the time anyway. “Jisung is his friend from high school, they’ve known each other for years,” he said, trying to hold his voice from shaking. “I don’t think Chan would–”

“How can you know that?” Minho winced at the sudden sharpness in his mother’s voice as cutlery rattled against plates. “How can you know he wouldn’t?”

Minho blinked at her, opening his mouth to say something in his defence but the words didn’t come fast enough.

“Weren’t you Chan’s _friend_ too?”

Neither of them were eating anymore, the lump in Minho’s throat making it hard for him to even breathe. His mother fixed him with a judgemental look, _the evidence is right in front of you._

“You can never be too careful with these things,” she said eventually, looking back at her plate before setting her fork down definitively.

“I _am_ careful,” Minho said, “I know Chan and I trust–”

It was supposed to convince both of them but his mother only shook her head. “Just hear me out Minho.”

“We’ve talked about this already–”

“Listen to me,” she commanded and effectively stopped Minho from standing up from the dinner table. “Our family just doesn’t have a lot of luck in relationships, yeah? Your aunt had also thought she’d found the love of her life and kept telling me how her husband is perfect for her, but then he started working late, going on suspiciously long business trips and kept it up for two years before we found out he’d been sleeping with his secretary the whole time.”

Minho sighed, looking at his hands folded in his lap. 

His mother’s voice mellowed into what was supposed to be a comforting tone. “You’ve gotten your heart broken like this once already, haven’t you?” 

He bit on the inside of his cheek and gave a single nod. It had been his last relationship before meeting Chan, now seeming so long ago – Minho had met the guy in one of his classes and they started “studying” together, the initial, only physical attachment quickly growing into an emotional one on Minho’s side. They began dating only for Minho to catch him two months later in bed with someone else. And although Minho was able to end it right then and there, it had taken him a while to get over and only with Chan had he been able to let go of the paranoia of something similar happening again.

“Do you really want to live through that again?”

With tears threatening to spill over Minho shook his head. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Chan is just a guy, after all. If you keep being naïve he will use that to his advantage, no matter how much he claims he loves you. He will see how easy you are, take all of our money and run away in no time.”

She said it as if it were comfort and for a brief moment Minho believed her. He nodded just so it would be over, so she would stop talking and let him leave, and it worked because she then nodded too, patted him on the back and stood up from the table.

“I’m just trying to look out for you. I don’t want anyone to hurt you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

His mother smiled. “It’s fine. You’ll do the right thing, won’t you?”

  
  


In the same manner that Minho had used to ignore his mum’s orders to clean his room, Minho pushed the conversation into the back of his head, willing to postpone acting on it until his closet would overflow with mess that would fall on his head each time he opened it, and until it became clear that he would not negotiate his way out of this one.

He came home just as Chan was finishing his dinner with Jeongin – on the nights that Minho visited his parents Chan made sure to return home earlier to take care of him – and pressed kisses into their hair. 

“Everything good with your folks?” Chan asked as Minho went past them to get water.

“The usual,” Minho said, “my mom still insists you should’ve gone to law school.”

Chan chuckled and met his eyes as he gulped down a tall glass of lukewarm water. “Would I make a good lawyer?”

Maybe Minho hoped that Chan would do something too. If he had changed his career path completely and became what Minho’s parents wanted, maybe Minho wouldn’t have had second thoughts about their entire relationship. It was a lot to ask for, way too much and Minho was on his own. “You look hot in a suit,” he said instead, “so yes.”

Chan laughed before turning his attention back to Jeongin and the mess that his food was now. 

“What about work?”

“It’s pretty chill these days,” Chan said while cleaning Jeongin’s mouth with a napkin. “Jisung asked about you, he misses you.”

Minho sighed quietly, looking down at the empty glass in his hands. “Yeah.”

“I miss you,” Chan continued and Minho hesitantly met his eyes. He saw a smile, a timid one but no less sincere – the one he had fallen in love with.

With that, he melted. Chan welcomed him into a hug and Minho sat down onto his lap to pull himself even closer. “I miss you too.”

No matter how many times Minho had tried to convince himself of the contrary, in hindsight, that moment felt like the beginning of an end. 

  
  
  


The ride back home was quiet in his father’s Tesla. It was roughly two weeks later and Minho was returning from yet another tense dinner; this time, with an earthquake in his chest. It was probably written all over his face because the driver didn’t dare to speak, didn’t even turn on the radio in case Minho didn’t like the music – Minho knew he wouldn’t like it. The silence was violent, bloody red and blinding white like Minho’s knuckles folded in his lap and for once, Minho knew where he was headed that night.

It began when Minho told them that Chan went out with his friends the previous night, just for a couple of drinks after work. He didn’t even mean to talk about him, he had usually avoided the topic as much as possible so he wouldn’t give his mom anything to latch onto, but it came up anyway and that was how the Pandora box had opened.

 _“He’s using you for your money,”_ his mother had said and it still echoed in his head hours later. _“Why can’t you see it?”_

And Minho couldn’t see it, no matter how hard he tried, but maybe that was the point. 

_“You work so hard and take care of that child like if it were yours, just for him to take that money and blow it all off in a bar?”_

The thing was, as much as Minho’s gut told him that it wasn’t true, he had no way to disprove anything. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit jealous that Chan spent more time with his coworkers than with him, sometimes working so late that he would come home when Minho was already asleep and getting up before he woke up. They spent entire days without seeing each other, the only proof that Chan was still living with them was the wet toothbrush next to Minho’s and the warmth that enveloped him each night through dreams.

He had hoped that one day, it would get better. Chan would get promoted, Jeongin would be older and Minho would find a job that wouldn’t require frequent visits to his parents’ house. But the months went by and none of those things seemed to change, except for Jeongin who only became louder as he grew and the walls of Minho’s cell started to cave in. 

_“You’re sacrificing your best years for someone who doesn’t even care, Minho,”_ his mother had insisted with a pleading tone in her voice. She was trying to help. _“Look at your career. You could be getting one promotion after the other if you just had a little bit more time to spend at work. You could be doing great things but instead you’re just a glorified nanny for some poor guy.”_

Minho wanted to scream that it wasn’t like that, he was much more, he – what was he? There was a weight on his chest, a panic that rose the longer he took to find the answer.

_“You forget you’re our son first. We were able to overlook this when you were still in school, you know, sleeping around, partying, we hoped you would grow out of it. We’ve given you so much and all you do is hang around this guy who’s probably cheating on you behind your back.”_

_“He’s not–”_ he wanted to say, face hot with anger and pent up frustration, but he wouldn’t cry in front of his parents.

 _“But now it’s time you stop being ungrateful and fulfil your role as our son,”_ his mother concluded with a stern voice that left nothing for a debate. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He had been cornered, slowly and carefully so he hadn’t noticed it until there was no way to escape than to give in. In a way, it had always been like that. He had never really been free to do what he wanted, his private high school, his university degree, his monthly income, everything had been determined by them and he had always been at their mercy, even though he had believed he wasn’t. He had been naïve to think he would be free to choose who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 _“Then what am I supposed to do,”_ he forced out through his teeth, no longer able to look her in the eyes.

It was silent after that. Maybe because that was when his mother knew that she’d won. She would finally get what she’d wanted. Maybe because Minho had known what he had to do. He had known for way too long to ask now.

The car took a turn and Minho instantly recognized the neighborhood even this late at night. It was a regular residential area, not exactly a poor one but not luxurious either. There was an elementary school, a kindergarten, grocery store and a small clinic, an environment perfectly accommodating the middle-class families of Seoul – the kind of family that Minho wanted to have.

A family.

He swallowed the tightness in his throat and reminded himself to breathe, tilting his head back to hold the tears.

“We’re here, sir,” Minho distantly heard the driver say. He looked out of the window to see his apartment building, locating their balcony by the soft glow of a lamp – it meant that Jeongin was already asleep and Chan was waiting for Minho in the living room, probably slowly dozing off. The image itself made his heart clench. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said and hesitantly opened the door.

He looked back at the car as he waited for the elevator. It was black and shiny, luxurious as the symbol of his parents’ fortune that they could show off on the streets, unreachable as the standards that Minho couldn’t seem to live up to. It was everything that his family expected of him and nothing that Minho could begin to imagine having. Parked next to his old apartment building, it was the symbol of his failure.

So Minho rode up to his floor and braced himself while unlocking the door, determined to make it right. 

His hand shook too much for him to insert the key properly so he fumbled with the lock until Chan opened from the other side. The smile, ever-present on his face, quickly faded into a concerned frown the second he took Minho in.

“What’s wrong baby?” He put his arms on Minho’s shoulders but Minho couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze.

Chan, who wore his heart on his sleeve.

Chan, who he had loved more than anyone else before.

Chan.

 _His_ Chan.

“I’m sorry,” Minho stuttered out, finally looking at him. “I– we need to break up.”

Just as stars come to an end of their long life, sometimes with an explosion, sometimes shrinking into a black hole, they destroy everything in their wake, and so did Minho. 

He could see it in Chan’s eyes the moment he said it – the irreversible hurt first, betrayal, anger, and so much sadness.

“Why? What happened?” He said, confused, with every right to be. 

In hindsight, Minho wondered if at that moment, Chan had known. That this wasn’t Minho speaking, _his Minho,_ but a hollowed out version with no mind of his own and only one task to fulfill. 

He went past him to their bedroom – _Chan’s bedroom,_ he corrected himself – and ignored the question even when Chan tried to stop him and ask again. He immediately located his travel bag and started with t-shirts, those were easily recognizable as his and therefore he couldn’t make the mistake of accidentally taking Chan’s.

“Minho,” Chan called out for the last time from where he stood in the doorframe, unsure to invade his personal space.

“Shh,” Minho looked at him, pressing a finger to his lips. “Don’t wake up Jeongin.”

Chan hesitated before stepping closer. “Can you _please_ explain what’s happened?”

He was begging now and some sadistic part of Minho wanted to laugh at how desperate it was. But he decided to take mercy. He sighed, focusing back on stuffing shirts into his travel bag. “My parents need me at work. They want me to take over the firm and I can’t do that if we’re dating.”

Chan took a moment, watching him. “Is that what _you_ want?”

His stomach twisted so he took a deep breath to prevent it from emptying. “I want to focus on my career. And that’s with them.”

He continued to avoid him, moving on to pack his jeans. It took him a minute, the task keeping his mind occupied so when he eventually realized that Chan was crying, he was already sitting on the bed, head in hands as he tried to muffle the noises coming from his throat.

It broke his heart into a million pieces. This was his doing. The jigsaw puzzle of their family life finally came apart, past the point of return. Minho clenched his jaw, determined to not cry. Not now. 

“We can work through this, Minho,” Chan started, voice strained. “You don’t have to leave, yeah? You– you can work and I’ll stay with Jeongin and take care of him, alright?”

Minho shut the drawer of the dresser with force before turning around. This was what his parents had warned him about and Minho almost didn’t want to believe that they were right. “So you’ll take all my money while I work my ass off? Is that what you want?”

Chan looked up at him with his brows pinched together, face red and eyes glossy with tears. “No,” he breathed out. “No, Minho, I’d–”

“Then don’t talk nonsense,” he dismissed him and returned to packing. It was easy to be bitter, Chan let him too, it was like a poison was spreading through his bloodstream to prise sanity out of him. 

“Just say it’s about Jeongin,” Chan said and Minho froze. “Say you’re tired of him and leave like you should have years ago.”

It was Minho’s turn to stutter, because that was not in the slightest what he had had in mind. He faced Chan and firmly held his gaze. “That’s not true.”

“You let him get attached and now you’re gonna leave him like everyone else in his life had left him. But opposite to them, you’re just a coward–”

“Shut up,” Minho hissed, walking towards Chan to grab him by his hoodie. “It’s not about Jeongin. I’m not a monster.”

“Yeah?”

Minho let him go so it wouldn’t be apparent just how much his hands were shaking, and because he couldn’t hold Chan’s gaze any longer.

“You’re not even sorry, huh,” Chan sniffled. Dizzy with heartbreak, Minho stared into his travel bag like it contained an answer. Of course he was sorry, he hated himself for even raising his voice at Chan and he even made him cry, Chan cried easily but they were usually happy tears, like when Minho said ‘I love you’ for the first time, and now he was crying because Minho pretended like he didn’t.

Instead of speaking, Minho pulled out the socks drawer and hesitantly started to take out pairs to pack. After all those years of living together, the border between their possessions had started to blur and socks were an item that rarely got divided – even though Chan’s feet were bigger and Minho sometimes ended up with pairs that were too stretched out to wear comfortably. 

“I can’t believe you,” Chan said eventually. Minho was frozen in place, facing away from Chan so he wouldn’t see just how affected he was, how he wished he could stay despite his words. He’d wanted to take them back ever since they’d left his mouth. “I thought we had something bigger. I– I thought that maybe one day…”

He trailed off and Minho could only imagine what he would have said had he continued. He didn’t want to hear it; he wouldn’t have handled it. “It doesn’t matter now, Chan.”

“It doesn’t? Did it mean nothing to you?”

Minho couldn’t stand it anymore, the anger was overflowing and not because of Chan himself, it had been growing ever since he left his parents’ house and sat in that goddamn car. It was right there, in front of crying Chan that it got too much at once and Minho was shaking. His vision got blurry first before black spots started drowning out the remains of any rational thoughts.

His knees gave out next and before he even realized, he was sitting on the floor in a pathetic pile of clothes that he couldn’t even recognise. 

Chan didn’t come rushing to see if he was okay. He sat on the bed behind him with knees drawn up to his chest, lips pressed together to prevent more sobs from escaping his mouth.

“I can’t fucking tell which socks are mine,” Minho nearly sobbed, looking back at the clothes around him. “I don’t know anymore. I have no idea. I didn’t expect this to be so hard, fuck.”

He wasn’t crying yet, his eyes remained dry but his voice cracked, shoulders shaking and his face hot as he hid it in his hands. It was a miracle that Jeongin didn’t wake up from the noise they were making and for a second Minho’s heart broke even more, the realization that he would probably never see Jeongin again settling in –

But then he heard his mother’s voice again and remembered that this was what he had to do. He had no choice than to live with it. There was no point in crying over the spilled milk that was the fate set out for him.

“Just take all of them,” Chan muttered. “I don’t care.”

It wasn’t true, Minho knew Chan too well. “I’m gonna come back for the rest during the week.”

He didn’t want this to be his last memory of Chan. But then, he figured he had no say in it. 

Chan sighed. “So is this it? You’re really just gonna leave us with nothing but a shitty excuse?”

Minho exhaled, reaching to play with the hem of a shirt on the ground next to him. He recognized it as Chan’s and flinched, retreating his hand immediately. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, not sure if Chan even heard him. He didn’t want Chan to hear him.

“God, Minho,” Chan exhaled. “I wish I could hate you right now.”

That day, Minho left Chan’s apartment without having spilled a single tear. He packed a bag full of clothes only to discover that half of them were Chan’s and the other smelled like Chan. He wondered if perhaps he should have taken longer to say goodbye, to explain things properly – but then, that would only prolong the heartbreak. It was better to rip off the bandaid quickly and not check whether the wound was bleeding or not; it would heal on its own time. Eventually.

Minho was so terribly sure it would heal.

So when he opened the doors to his parents’ house – his home now – for the second time that day, he greeted them with a tense smile, holding up the bag of clothes as proof that he was still worthy to be their son.

After his parents gave him a pat on the back and a reminder that he had a meeting the next day at ten, Minho went to his old room. He locked the door behind him, taking a deep breath to take in his surroundings, to renew his grip on reality, on the fact that this was his life now. A twin bed tucked in the corner, posters of boy groups still on the walls and nothing that would so much as hint at Chan’s existence.

He broke down crying that very moment, collapsing on the ground to hold the door closed as sobs began wrecking his body, shaking him to the core. He cried for hours until there were no tears left, no soul in him to bear the sadness, until his body hurt from exhaustion and until he convinced himself that he didn’t deserve Chan in the first place.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


It was right then and there, pinned to the ground under Chan’s body, thousands of kilometers away from home and two years later, when Minho realized he had never stopped loving Chan. He had been in love with him then, when he had broken his heart, when he’d started seeing other people, when he’d accepted another man’s proposal, and he was still in love with him now. 

His heart lurched, as if it started beating again after years, and a sudden urge to act on his feelings overpowered him. His hand moved on its own, reaching for the front of Chan’s jacket to grab it. He pulled and Chan followed, his mouth closing and Minho didn’t miss the way he glanced at his lips. 

“Minho,” a voice said from above them and Minho flinched. He instantly recognized it as Hyunjin’s voice.

What had he been thinking? Did he actually think he could kiss Chan?

Chan sat up, still kneeling above him. Minho watched as he made eye contact with Hyunjin, expecting him to flinch or maybe try to explain that _it’s not how it looks like;_ but he didn’t react at all. Minho’s face was still burning hot when Chan finally stood up, eyes still on Hyunjin and electricity in the air. It reminded Minho of two stray cats circling each other before a fight.

“My mom is calling and wants to talk to her future son-in-law,” Hyunjin said eventually, looking at Minho. He almost spat out the last word and Minho knew he was trying to make a point – something along the lines of _why the fuck did you just try to kiss your ex?_ – but he decided to ignore it.

Chan quickly brushed the snow off his knees and promptly reached his hand out to help Minho get up, this time for real. Minho welcomed it and stared at Hyunjin while holding Chan’s hand for longer than necessary. Just to prove a point.

 _You’ll never be him._

The second Minho was standing solid on the ground and released Chan’s hand, Hyunjin grabbed his other hand. “Hurry up. I have her on a video call.”

“But dad… !” Jeongin ran up to them, having been building his snowman the entire time. He hesitated when he saw Hyunjin and stopped in front of Chan. “You can’t go yet!”

Minho was about to crouch down next to him, explain that he had to go but say that he would see them later, hug him, _something._ But then Hyunjin tugged on his hand, with a bit more force this time that Minho nearly stumbled.

“We’re going, _now,”_ he commanded, in a voice that Minho had never heard before. He was angry. Not the kind of angry that could be solved by sex and a couple of minutes of ignoring each other. He was properly pissed. Minho didn’t even have the chance to turn around, Hyunjin was pulling him along regardless of what Minho wanted yet in complete silence. Minho wondered if he didn’t know what to say or if he was saving his anger to release later; or, perhaps, if he was going to tell on him.

It wasn’t until they reached their suite when Hyunjin spoke up again.

“Jesus fuck dude, I can’t believe you,” he exhaled, releasing Minho’s hand to search for his key card. “We’re gonna talk about this later.”

In a strange way, Minho wasn’t shocked, surprised, nor moved. Hyunjin had never threatened him before and Minho knew that it was because Hyunjin had no power over his parents either. The marriage hadn’t been his idea, he was the puppet too.

Hyunjin’s mother was on a video call so they made the effort to sit close to each other on the bed with Minho’s hand over Hyunjin’s knee and the best smile he could manufacture on his lips.

“So, Hyunjin told me you two have been enjoying the trip, is that right Minho?” Hyunjin’s mother asked and Minho inwardly cringed. 

“It was such a great idea to go on a vacation,” Minho managed the nicest voice, barely recognizing himself. “Seoul can get too hectic. This place is so relaxing.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Mrs. Hwang said and it sounded genuine. “I didn’t know you liked snowboarding so much. Hyunjin told me he can barely get you off the slope,” she laughed and Minho found himself mirroring her, except for the cramp in the hand that gripped Hyunjin’s thigh.

“It’s been really fun, yeah.” So Hyunjin had been lying to his parents, too?

“Anyway, I don’t want to bother you for too long, let’s get to the point,” Mrs. Hwang said and Minho resisted the urge to exhale in relief. He had already been counting down the seconds. “So, I talked with your parents, Minho, and we’ve finally come to an agreement. You will be very pleased, I hope. After your marriage, the Lee family will get a 49 % share of Hwang Holdings. Renamed to Hwang-Lee Holdings.”

Minho could hear only the pounding in his ears. So what if he had kissed Chan in the snow like he had wanted to, none of that would matter. This was what his parents had wanted from the start, a merger that would mean their debut among Seoul’s elite, the kind of elite that Hyunjin and Felix and Seungmin belonged to. 

He smiled even more, because that was what he was supposed to do. “That’s amazing, I– I don’t know what to say, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything, dear. Just enjoy your vacation and as soon as you come back, you can start planning the wedding.”

Minho didn’t hear the rest of the call over the buzzing in his ears. Hyunjin carried the rest of it and for once Minho was glad for his presence. Weren’t it for him, he would have definitely said something inappropriate and ruined the entire thing.

He thought about Chan, about how they had nearly kissed twice now, how much he had wanted it. How much he still loved him. The way his heart wouldn’t stop pounding around him, how he craved the proximity, the exact same insatiable hunger for the smallest of touches he had felt when they had first met. 

It was nothing but wishful thinking, that they could get back together. That Chan would allow Minho back into his life.

In a month, he would probably be buying his wedding suit, looking for a house to live in with Hyunjin – preferably large enough for both of them to have their own office. Hyunjin would want to have the wedding in somewhere tropical like Fiji, and this time Minho wouldn’t be able to back out. He imagined himself walking down the altar, or watching Hyunjin walk up to him with a stupid smile, he would probably avoid his gaze too and for their wedding night Minho would make an excuse so he could catch up on sleep, in case that Hyunjin wouldn’t be black-out drunk by that point anyway.

It nauseated him; he realized that falling asleep next to Hyunjin would become a daily occurance. He was going to live with Hyunjin, for the rest of his life. He would never kiss anyone else, sleep with anyone else, probably not even hold hands, unless he would cheat on him.

Distantly he heard Hyunjin end the call, so he hurriedly said goodbye before the screen changed back to Hyunjin’s desktop wallpaper – a photo of him, Felix and Seungmin in suits, posing in front of the Hwang Holdings offices. It would be a cute picture if Minho didn’t resent Hyunjin and the entire Hwang conglomerate.

He couldn’t even look him in the eyes. 

_I’ve messed up,_ he almost said. He had lost his chance to be with Chan. But he couldn’t be with Hyunjin, either.

Hyunjin stood up, running a hand through his hair. He was still tense, unsure what to say, and Minho wondered if he was going to bring up Chan. 

“I hope you’re satisfied now,” he said. “You got what you wanted.” With that, he took his coat and headed to the door.

“Where are you going?”

Hyunjin scoffed. “You don’t tell me anything either.”

The door closed shut, leaving Minho completely alone. If he would go through with the wedding, this would be how the rest of his life was going to look like. Alone, in an expensive bedroom and a _none of your business_ thrown into his face. 

He walked to the window and looked down to the ground in front of the hotel. He saw an unfinished snowman and two familiar figures next to it. His stomach twisted, he had left Jeongin again with no explanation and Chan was now on his own. Minho felt even worse when he thought about returning, it would be too awkward, he had looked like Hyunjin’s disobedient child when he was dragged away by the sleeve and Chan hadn’t looked too excited about the situation either. It was for the better if Minho didn’t return right now.

It was fine, because he had bought a bottle of Tanqueray at the beginning of their vacation and although it was originally meant as a souvenir, Minho decided that he would just buy a similar bottle in duty-free while waiting for his flight home. Right now, it was the closest drink available to him and Minho needed a companion to help him decide what to do with his life. 

After he had broken up with Chan, he’d refused to acknowledge his heartbreak. In fact, he’d tried to bury it so deep and twist it in a way that wouldn’t leave room for guilt. He had busied himself with tasks for his family and when it got too much he would meet people in bars that would distract him from the stress. It was easy to find company for the night, and so what if Minho didn’t remember most of their names the next morning, whether it was because of the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream or because he hadn’t asked in the first place. He was careful to not leave his number or even full name and snuck out before the sun had risen.

Of course, it was never as fulfilling as Minho would have wanted it to be. More often than not, the sex was average at best and sometimes Minho was far too gone to do anything, passing out before the clothes could come off. It wasn’t safe but despite Minho’s darkest wishes, nothing bad had happened.

Eventually, his parents got worried and that was how he was introduced to Hyunjin. _The_ Hwang Hyunjin, the perfect image of what Minho was supposed to be – a successful businessman, a proud heir and a pretty face to represent his family on title pages of magazines. Their first meeting was in one of the Hwangs’ restaurants, with both of the parents and felt pretty much like a business transaction. No one had said that it was an arrangement, though. It was an _opportunity,_ as Minho’s parents put it, for him to finally prove himself as their son. And for Hyunjin, as Minho later understood, it was a way to get his parents off his back. 

On that first “date”, they got to know each other and Minho was relieved to find that Hyunjin was easy to become friends with, and that maybe he could eventually fall in love with him just like he had fallen in love with Chan. So when Hyunjin pulled out a ring on their second date, this time with just the two of them, Minho was genuinely happy, even when the proposal was nothing but Hyunjin sliding the expensive ring across the table. They kissed and slept together for the first time and although Minho didn’t feel the same spark, the same kind of excitement or being loved like he had felt with Chan, he figured that it would come around after some time and if it wouldn’t, they would be alright without it.

Having barely eaten the alcohol quickly made him dizzy and he ended up sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, staring into the wall. It got dark outside a couple hours later and Minho didn’t bother turning on the light, opting to sit through the rest of his ‘vacation’ like that, drunk to make it go by faster.

The bottle was half-empty when Minho heard the beep of the lock and the door opened. Hyunjin immediately located him on the floor when he turned on the light.

“You’re here,” he said off-handedly, shrugging off his coat. Minho didn’t answer, mind hazy and slow. Where else was he supposed to go?

Hyunjin took off his shoes and stood in the middle of the room. He ran both hands over his face and into his hair, clearly frustrated and tired like Minho was. He exhaled loudly before meeting his eyes.

“Just tell me,” he said, making Minho blink a couple of times to focus. “Why the fuck do you keep hanging out with him?”

Minho chuckled bitterly. There it finally was. 

“Is this a joke to you?” Hyunjin raised his voice as if to get his point across better. “Are you trying to make me jealous? Are you trying to make fun of me in front of my friends?”

Hyunjin knew nothing, Minho thought and laughed even more. “I’d never make fun of you. You do that enough already.”

To that, Hyunjin nearly growled. “Oh stop that. Look at how pathetic you are. Did he dump you?” He said it in a mocking tone and Minho hated how it affected him. It was a kick in the stomach.

“You prick–”

“I’m right. He finally dumped you and now you’re trying to get alcohol poisoning because you can’t handle it.”

Minho stood up, the room spinning around him as he tried to find balance. “It was you who invited your friends,” he spat. “I thought this was supposed to be our romantic pre-honeymoon but we barely even talk.”

He knew he was making it up. He didn’t particularly want to talk to Hyunjin and it was a relief when he found out that Felix and Seungmin would entertain him instead of Minho having to do it; but this wasn’t about what he wanted. This was about how they were supposed to be a happy couple, the epitome of romance. 

Hyunjin scoffed, looking Minho up and down with distaste. He probably didn’t look too right and he definitely didn’t feel like it. “Right. It’s really fucking romantic when you spend the entire day with Chan and I get the leftovers.”

Minho bit his lip, looking elsewhere. Hearing Chan’s name from Hyunjin’s mouth felt odd. It made it more real.

“I see. Is that because he doesn’t fuck you? Or is his dick just not enough?”

His stomach twisted as if Hyunjin had punched him with those words. He had barely hugged Chan, and of course his body had craved more, but no matter how staged his relationship with Hyunjin was, he wouldn’t have cheated.

“Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I can’t smell him all over you?” Hyunjin took a step towards him and grabbed his sweater. He leaned forward until he had him fixed in place. When he spoke up, it was barely above a whisper yet filled to the brim with venom. “You let me fuck you in his shirt.”

Minho shoved him, or at least attempted to with Hyunjin towering over him. Hyunjin took a small step back to catch him. “What the hell is your problem?!”

Hyunjin exhaled, shaking his head in disbelief. “The hell is _my_ problem? Should I be fine with my fiancé cheating on me?”

A nasty growl formed in his throat, wet with tears that he didn’t even realize had started welling in his eyes. He tried to shove Hyunjin once more only to have his wrists caught mid-air. “What do you want me to say then, hm? That I did cheat on you? That he fucked me while you were with your friends?”

Hyunjin didn’t react, or maybe Minho just didn’t notice the slight change in his expression under his dazed state. He decided to twist the knife more, but it only hurt him more.

“I let him fuck me. Multiple times, behind your back. Is that what you want to hear?” Would Hyunjin tell that he was lying? Would he see right through him? The loneliness that powered him?

“Minho,” Hyunjin said, visibly taken back by the admission. He was biting his lips, brows pinched together. “Stop. Just stop.”

“What, is it bothering you? That Chan’s fucking me?”

“No– Minho, you’re drunk, so just–”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Minho screamed, probably loud enough for their neighbours to hear him but he didn’t care. He shoved Hyunjin one more time and managed to make him take a few steps back.

Minho took a couple of breaths, focusing on standing straight. He clenched his jaw, holding back the cry stuck in his throat as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweater. Luckily he hadn’t cried, hadn’t embarrassed himself that much, so he headed to the door, acting on the impulse to go to a place where he felt safe.

“I’m going to Chan’s,” he said as an afterthought. He didn’t bother putting his shoes on, shutting the door behind him before Hyunjin could say anything.

  
  


The floor of the hallway was considerably colder on his bare feet but that didn’t stop his spite, and his want. Hearing Hyunjin accuse him of cheating made him realize that nothing would have changed had he kissed Chan the night before, or earlier that day, or whenever for that matter. Nothing would be different had he done this earlier – head to his room late at night with uncontrolled lust in his veins and a single intent in mind. 

He knocked on the familiar door before he could stop himself, a series of light taps just loud enough to be heard on the other side. He almost tried knocking for the second time when something rustled and the door slowly opened.

“Minho?” Chan didn’t look like he had been sleeping yet, dressed in sweatpants and that taunting sleeveless top with the room behind him dim, but not completely dark. He noticed a soft glow coming from a laptop before looking back at Chan. “Did something happen?”

Minho thought about his options; all of them ended with him blurting out a _I miss you,_ and Chan’s lips always looked the softest late at night, dusty pink and maybe a little bit dry but full and inviting. His eyes were caring, warm as he watched him shift his weight from one foot to the other.

In time when nothing made sense to Minho and the air itself was hostile in his lungs, he did the only thing that sembled sanity, and kissed Chan.

It wasn’t just a kiss, not like the kind that Minho had learned about through his countless one-night stands, the kind to fill the empty space between two bodies. It was two pieces falling back into place, the shortest way to say _I’m sorry for what I’ve done,_ and _can I make it better?_ although he doubted it would hurt less than an actual apology. So with hands on the sides of Chan’s face he kissed him harder. Chan’s mouth was warm, wet and soft and Minho pulled himself as close as he could to taste it better.

Yet still, there was something sour on the tip of his tongue.

He felt Chan’s hands hesitant on his waist and realized that Chan wasn’t kissing him back. Maybe he had at the start but only let it happen since then and the thought felt like a stab into his chest. He slowed down and pulled away, keeping his eyes on Chan’s who had his still closed.

“You’re drunk,” was the first thing he said and Minho didn’t miss the tinge of disappointment. 

“I should’ve never left,” he blurted out, still holding onto the back of his head. His hair was so soft under his fingers and Minho wanted to melt. “I’ve fucked up and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize.”

Chan shook his head, finally looking him in the eyes. “You’re drunk,” he repeated. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow, yeah? I’ll walk you back to your room, come on.” He made Minho let go of him, grabbing his elbows to bring them down.

“No,” Minho said, blocking the doorway. “I’m not going back to Hyunjin.” Then, when Chan didn’t seem to buy it: “I can’t. We had a fight and…”

Chan sighed. “And I can’t have an engaged man sleeping in my hotel room. You have to know what that would look like.”

“And what,” he uttered. “I don’t care what it looks like. I want it.” Just like that he invited himself inside and closed the door, pressing Chan against the wall right next to it. God, how he’d missed the warmth of Chan’s body against his.

Chan was blushing, it definitely had an effect on him yet to Minho’s dismay, he was frowning. “Minho, you– you don’t–”

“I want _you.”_

“You want a distraction to your shitty engagement,” Chan nearly whispered. They had to be quiet to not wake up Jeongin who was surely already sleeping just a couple of meters away.

The words slowly sank in and Minho exhaled heavily in frustration, hands idly roaming over Chan’s torso. Fuck, he was still very muscular and the sensation under his fingers only riled him up more.

“Minho,” Chan repeated, this time softer. “What have you done,” he muttered and although it wasn’t a question, it sounded like something Minho had deserved to hear a long time ago. 

“He thinks I’m cheating on him,” he said after a moment of silence. “So I thought, what’s the point of keeping myself away from you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried but,” he took a shaky breath, “everytime he kisses me I think of you. And I think about how it would feel if that were you touching me, instead of him. And then I see you in the morning and don’t even feel guilty because he doesn’t care if I like him or not.”

It felt like a weight had lifted off his chest. Chan was frowning even more.

“We can do it in the bathroom, I’ll be quiet, I swear,” he continued like he hadn’t basically confessed to everything. He was almost whining, begging Chan for attention but he was far too intoxicated to feel the embarrassment so he used it to his worst advantage.

Chan shook his head. “You shouldn’t do something you’d regret in the morning,” he said. He was letting him down and knowing Minho he was doing it gently, so he wouldn’t put up a fight. But Minho wasn’t the one to give up quickly, especially when Chan didn’t look like he _wasn’t_ interested. He was just good at telling what’s good for him or not, something Minho wasn’t capable of especially under influence.

“I won’t regret this, I promise, I–”

“No, Minho,” Chan said, definitely. And although it was the last thing Minho wanted, he let his arms fall back along his sides. “You’ve been drinking a lot?”

With the excitement now gone he felt completely drained and defeated. He nodded, looking at the floor. He heard Chan sigh.

“And you’re scared to go back to Hyunjin?”

“I– he’s upset and– I didn’t even take my key card so…” He didn’t even realize he was sniffling and hiccuping before Chan cooed. 

“Okay, okay. You can take my bed and I’ll squeeze in with Jeongin. That bed is too big for him anyway.”

From then on Minho didn’t remember much. His head was already killing him and all that mattered was the fact that he could lie down into a bed that wasn’t occupied by Hyunjin’s overgrown limbs. With the taste of Chan’s lips still on his tongue his head hit the pillow and he let himself be surrounded by the remains of Chan’s cologne on the bed sheets, so calming and tender and before he could help it a single tear rolled down his cheek; he had never felt like this with Hyunjin. Like he was melting into a puddle of warm feelings, like someone cared about him.

And for that short moment before drifting off, on that thin border between waking and sleep when his body felt heavy and his mind was fuzzy, when he felt a featherlight kiss being pressed into his forehead, Minho let himself believe that everything was okay again.

  
  
  
  


He woke up to a distant sound of people talking, his head pounding inside his skull. Slowly realizing what had happened the night before he rolled over in bed – _Chan’s bed_ – and resisted the urge to groan in embarrassment. But before he could start wallowing in self-pity, the noises got louder so he lifted his head off the pillow to see better.

“Get out of my way,” he heard a voice, now louder and his heart sank.

Hyunjin appeared from behind the corner and his eyes immediately went to Minho. He was angry, even more than the night before and it all dawned onto Minho in that very moment. 

Chan appeared right after and shot him an apologetic glance before looking back at Hyunjin. He was watching him like a predator ready to snap the second Hyunjin tried something.

“You fucking–” Hyunjin started, shaking his head like he was picking out the most fitting curseword. In a desperate attempt to save the situation Minho made a move to get up, realizing that it must have looked like Chan had slept there next to him, so he removed the covers and let his legs hit the carpeted floor.

Sometime before falling asleep the night prior, he had stripped himself of his jeans and was now wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and underwear. A pair of boxers that was completely covered by the hem of the shirt when Minho stood up.

He saw the change in Hyunjin’s expression immediately when his eyes flitted to his bare legs. Before he could say anything Hyunjin turned to Chan.

“You motherfucker,” he spat and then his fist was in the air, heading to Chan’s face.

Chan caught his wrist before it could collide with his nose and twisted it, making Hyunjin yelp in pain as his knees buckled. “Save it. I didn’t sleep with Minho,” he held him in place and Minho briefly wondered if he was supposed to mind that his fiancé was being hurt. “Grow up. I have a child here, do you really believe I would even think of doing something?”

For a moment, the room was dead silent as Chan and Hyunjin stared daggers at each other and Minho didn’t dare to so much as breathe to not provoke either of them even more. He was honestly surprised that Hyunjin cared enough to want to punch Chan, it made him wonder if there was something else bothering him than the idea of his fake boyfriend kissing his real ex-boyfriend.

“Dad,” a tiny voice cut through the tension and the entire room looked at its source. Jeongin was sitting on the second bed, hair tousled and his usual cheery expression replaced with a tired, distressed one as he rubbed his eye with his fist. He looked like he was in pain, little hands holding the covers around him. “Why’s everyone here?”

Chan softened immediately, letting go of Hyunjin’s hand who hissed, holding it as if it was broken. He fixed Hyunjin with one last stare. “Now get out of here. Jeongin’s sick.”

Minho frowned, looking back at the bed next to him. Instincts compelled him to sit on the edge of the bed and carefully reach over to place a hand on Jeongin’s forehead. He was burning up.

Chan let Hyunjin be and looked at Minho and Jeongin on the bed. “He was a little tired yesterday and woke up with a fever,” he explained, still tense from Hyunjin’s presence. Minho couldn’t blame him.

“Do you have his meds?”

“I do but I can’t find anything for a fever. I probably ran out and forgot to buy new ones,” Chan said while looking through a little bag that he kept his first aid kit in. He ran a hand through his hair; he looked exhausted, hopeless and Minho felt horrible for dragging him into his own problems. He had selfishly thought that Chan would always keep him a number one priority, he had made him take care of his drunk meltdown and even almost fought Hyunjin with his bare hands to protect the remains of Minho’s pride.

All of that after Minho had forced himself onto him and kissed him. He didn’t deserve Chan the slightest bit.

“I can’t leave him here alone but the closest pharmacy is in the town.”

Jeongin laid back on the bed and it broke Minho’s heart. He curled up on himself and cuddled into Minho’s side, muttering something unintelligible. “I can stay with him so you can get the meds,” Minho said, his own headache now inconsequential.

Chan took a breath, shaking his head hopelessly – he didn’t want to let Jeongin from sight even if it was to help him.

Before Minho could offer another suggestion it was Hyunjin who spoke up. “I’ll drive Minho to the town so he can get your kid what he needs.” He sounded exhausted too, it sounded more like a reluctant truce than something he was doing for enjoyment. When Minho looked at him, he was watching Jeongin with a concerned frown. He felt sorry, it pained him too, regardless whose kid it was.

Chan looked at him too before meeting Minho’s gaze. He bit his lip, mulling it over before eventually sighing. “Fine. Do you remember which one it was that the doctor recommended?”

“Yeah,” Minho said and started looking for his jeans. 

“I folded your pants and sweater there,” Chan pointed at an armchair in the corner of the room. “You nearly tripped when you tried to take both of them off at the same time,” he chuckled and Minho felt his ears burn in embarrassment. On the other hand, he was glad that Chan didn’t seem to be too upset with him.

“Here’s your key card,” Hyunjin interrupted them, setting the card onto a shelf next to the entrance. “I’ll wait in the car,” he then announced and promptly shut the door on them. Minho wondered if the annoyance, heavy in his voice, was triggered by them referencing their past relationship and then laughing about Minho taking his clothes off. 

Minho had to go back to his suite to get his shoes and a coat, the extra walk upstairs almost like a walk of shame and an unnecessary strain for his hangover. He tried to rush for the sake of Jeongin and soon they were on the road, an uncomfortable tension hanging in the air as Hyunjin gripped the steering wheel and Minho played with the sleeves of his sweater. He was wearing a light pink one now as the one he had worn the night prior smelled like sweat and spilled gin. 

With the help of Hyunjin’s English they managed to buy the meds for Jeongin and Minho got painkillers for his hangover, immediately downing a pill before going back to the car. 

“Minho, listen,” Hyunjin said when they were back on the road. He sounded apologetic but no less annoyed. Minho briefly glanced at him, straightening his back from leaning against the door. Hyunjin opened and closed his mouth, tapping his fingers. “About last night,” he exhaled as an explanation for the lack of words.

“Right,” Minho nodded quietly. He hadn’t had the time to properly process everything that had gone down, so many different emotions surging through him at once made him dizzy. “I’m–” he started only to get interrupted.

“Let me say this, okay? Just for once,” Hyunjin said and Minho felt his heartbeat quicken. “What’s between you and Chan… or what _was_ between you and him, that’s none of my business. And I said things I shouldn’t have.” Minho swallowed dryly, the echoes coming back to him. _Is that because he doesn’t fuck you?_ “I _made you_ say things I shouldn’t have made you admit to.”

 _I let him fuck me. Multiple times, behind your back._ He wondered if it would change anything were that actually true.

Yet Chan had every right to reject Minho. He had broken his heart and Chan had probably gotten over him anyway; if not, Minho was only hurting him now. The thought made his stomach twist.

“But you gotta stop doing this if you want the deal to work out,” Hyunjin continued after a pause, more and more irritation seeping into his voice.

“Doing what?”

Hyunjin huffed in frustration, slapping his hand over the top of the steering wheel. “You’re so careless. You keep messing around with this guy and _I get_ I’m not your ideal type. But at least wait until the merger when things are settled and then,” he made a pause, “then we can discuss an open relationship or something. When our parents aren’t watching our every move.”

It was right then that Minho decided he wasn’t going to marry Hyunjin, no matter the consequences. It hurt too much, the lies, the kisses, the cage that his parents had slowly built around him. And it wasn’t just the thought that he didn’t _want to_ marry Hyunjin as that was nothing new. The bitterness had turned poisonous and Minho struggled to breathe thinking that he would go through with the marriage. He was now fighting for his life and the idea of his family abandoning him for good no longer seemed like it would kill him; it was now the only way for him to live.

“Hyunjin,” he let out, voice strained. “You don’t understand.”

He couldn’t gather his words fast enough, the hangover making it even worse. “What? What do I not understand?” Hyunjin asked, exasperated.

Minho couldn’t believe he was being this vulnerable in front of Hyunjin. His voice was shaking when he spoke up. “I– I’m in love with him. I’m in love with Chan.”

Minho waited for the explosion, squeezing his eyes shut to brace for impact. He felt the car come to a halt and glanced outside to see that they were in the middle of nowhere, parked on the side of the road that winded around the sharp rocks, leaving them suspended above a cliff. 

He looked at Hyunjin who was clenching his jaw, eyes still on the road. “And so fucking what,” he spat out, hitting the wheel. Minho got nervous seeing his anger, and realizing that Hyunjin could very well just leave him there, stranded until he would freeze to death.

Hyunjin exited the car, slamming the door so hard it rattled the entire vehicle. Minho hesitantly unbuckled the seatbelt and got out as well, standing in a thick layer of snow by the curb. Hyunjin appeared as though he didn’t mind the cold at all, leaning against the hood with both his hands to take deep breaths.

“So fucking what, Minho,” he repeated, now much louder when the wind attempted to carry his words away. “You aren’t even fucking trying, are you? Did you seriously think that _I love you?_ That I want to _marry you?”_

The words stung, hard, and Minho tried to focus on the fact that he didn’t need Hyunjin’s affection. 

“You’re insufferable, fuck,” he ran a hand through his hair before looking back at him. “You can’t fucking bite the bullet and pretend for a single second that you don’t hate me, for fucks sake you just told Felix!”

Oh. Felix. Minho had almost completely forgotten about his breakdown in front of him. He bit his lip to stop it from quivering.

“You told him that our engagement is a lie and it was _me_ who had to clean up after you so he would even come to the wedding.”

But Minho had already decided. He looked away, fingers playing with the diamond ring that was the symbol of it all. Of how he belonged to Hyunjin. Distantly, he heard himself speak. “You didn’t have to bother.”

Hyunjin gasped for breath, hands flying into the air. He walked around the front to Minho’s side. “I didn’t have to bother?!”

Then, like taking a step to jump into a freezing pool: “There’s no wedding.”

Hyunjin only furrowed his brows, inspecting the look in Minho’s eyes to see if he was lying or exaggerating again. Minho wrapped a hand around his finger and pulled the ring off. He dropped it just like that, into the snow under his feet.

“I can’t fucking do this with you.”

Hyunjin didn’t even look to see where the ring had fallen, keeping his gaze on Minho. He was fuming yet didn’t try to fight him. “Fine,” he spat out. “Fuck you for wasting my time. Asshole.”

And Minho probably deserved it. But he would never admit that to Hyunjin.

“And this mess, _you_ clean it up. You tell your own parents that _you_ fucked up because you couldn’t keep it in your pants. I’m done being your fucking puppet.”

With that, he walked away, back to the hood of the car, likely processing what had happened. Minho could see he was filled with rage, yet he couldn’t help the feeling of relief. He felt a tear fall down onto his cheek, instantly turning cold so he wiped it off before Hyunjin could notice. Seeing that he didn’t particularly care for the expensive ring now laying in snow, Minho crouched down to pick it up with a handful of snow. He curled his hand into a fist and with one look into the abyss under the cliff he threw the snowball, as far as he could. Maybe it would be carried away into the hands of someone who could find happiness with it. He was giving the ring a second chance and secretly hoped that he would be given one as well.

He turned around to get back in the car, leaving Hyunjin kicking into the tire until it seemed like most of the anger had dissipated so they could get back on the road in safety. 

The rest of the drive was dead silent. It took Hyunjin only a couple of seconds to get rid of his ring as well, tearing it off his finger and dropping it into one of the compartments on the center console for the car rental employees to find and pocket for themselves. Briefly, Minho thought that he could have kept his ring and sold it later, when he would be looking for an apartment after his parents would inevitably kick him out. He concluded that he didn’t want the money if it came from Hyunjin’s hands.

  
  
  


With the remains of his splitting headache, Minho wordlessly parted his ways with Hyunjin by the staircase. It wasn’t their definitive parting, Minho still had to figure out how he would spend the last two nights at the hotel but for now it was for the better for them to give each other space. Minho was still shaken up, glad to have arrived back to the hotel in one piece with how angry Hyunjin was, and it wasn’t helping that he was now headed to Chan’s suite after he had kissed him the night prior.

Oh god, he had kissed him.

He cringed at the memory. No matter how good it felt he felt guilty in the same amount, disgusted with himself for basically forcing himself onto Chan.

He had to stop drinking.

With his new resolution he knocked on Chan’s door and it opened only seconds later. Chan looked even more worried than he had in the morning, ushering Minho inside with a slight frown. For a split second their eyes met and Minho felt something move in his chest. 

“You okay?”

Minho cleared his throat so his voice wouldn’t shake. “Yeah. Is this the right one?” He held up the little paper box that he had gotten at the pharmacy and Chan took it, his eyes finally leaving Minho’s to read what the label said.

“I think it should be right,” he said, heading to Jeongin’s bed. “How much was it?”

Minho followed slowly after him, playing with his fingers nervously. There was a trace of the ring still on his ring finger, the skin a little more tender than on the rest of his hand. “It’s fine,” he dismissed him, thoughts elsewhere.

Chan didn’t press on, gently nudging Jeongin to sit up so he could give him the medicine. Minho sat next to him on the bed, in a safe distance as he was unsure about the state of their relationship. For now, he just wanted for Jeongin to get better. Chan made him drink a lot of warm tea to help with draining the sickness and concluded that it was probably nothing serious after consulting with a doctor over the phone. That didn’t help the worried frown on his face whenever he touched Jeongin’s forehead to check if the temperature had gone down and Minho resisted the urge to place a comforting hand on his thigh or into his hair.

He no longer had the right to touch him like that. He no longer had the right to love Chan.

Chan noticed that his ring had gone missing, too. Minho reached to fix Jeongin’s blanket and it was too late when he realized Chan was eyeing his hands, almost grabbing them to look properly. “Have you lost your ring?”

Minho froze, suddenly realizing that he didn’t want Chan to know just yet that he had broken off the engagement. He didn’t want any pity, or worse, for Chan to think that _he_ had ruined it by letting him stay in his hotel room. And he was scared of what tension it would create in the already suffocating environment. “Oh,” he looked at his hand as if he had just noticed. “Must’ve slipped when I was taking off my gloves or something.”

Chan didn’t look like he believed him, but maybe that was just because it was an expensive ring to lose so carelessly. He nodded anyway before directing his attention back to Jeongin.

“I’m sorry,” Minho said when Jeongin had finally fallen asleep and they sat on the floor next to his bed, both exhausted but reluctant to let Jeongin from their sight. Chan glanced at him, arms propped up on his knees and head tilted back. Minho met his eyes for a second but looked away, back at his hands folded in his lap. “For yesterday, obviously. But for the rest, too.”

Minho was choosing his words carefully, talking slowly so he wouldn’t blurt out something he didn’t want to again. He glanced at Chan who was watching him closely, hope sparkling in his eyes but mouth in a slight frown. Minho briefly wondered what he was hoping for.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. And I shouldn’t have asked you to do more. It was selfish and wrong and you shouldn’t have to keep dealing with me.” Then, because it was true and Minho took way too long escaping it: “I brought this upon myself. It’s my mess and I should be the one paying for it.”

“What mess?”

Minho glanced at Chan and saw him looking at his hands. The hands that had a diamond ring on them just an hour before. He chuckled bitterly, gesturing vaguely into the air. “Everything. The fact that I gave up on what we had just to end up drinking every night to stop thinking about you and escape the life that my parents organized for me. And now I’ve dragged you into it too because for the first time in those two years I don’t feel like I hate everything about myself.”

“Minho,” Chan breathed out and Minho knew that he wanted to scold him for hating himself, so he interrupted him before he could even open his mouth again.

“No, Chan. I deserve it, for hurting you and Jeongin. And I should have apologized sooner.”

Chan was silent for a moment and it was Minho’s turn to watch him as he mulled it over in his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Minho repeated, whispering. “And you don’t have to accept my apology. I just wanted you to know. However selfish that is.”

“‘s not selfish,” Chan muttered. “I’m glad you told me.”

Minho met his eyes, trying to decipher what the glint in his eyes meant.

“It makes me feel better about having forgiven you a long time ago already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought in the comments! Kudos are also appreciated ❤
> 
> AND!! If you have suggestions for songs to add to the playlist, definitely let me know in the comments!
> 
> Talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/wooyngthighs) !

**Author's Note:**

> That's it for now!! I hope you liked it despite all the angst lol. Let me know what you thought in the comments!
> 
> By the way, although it isn't specified in the fic, the location is actually heavily inspired by one place where I was on vacation once. So the town "S." is based on a real town in Europe!
> 
> [ Spotify playlist! ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2MkJxkvgYBhcNKowmfWu9E?si=a272ffe2d6214766) (I'm hoping to do a youtube playlist too as I prefer it myself)
> 
> Talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/wooyngthighs) !
> 
> [Wattpad account](https://www.wattpad.com/user/wooyoungthighs) (this is my only Wattpad account; if you find my work elsewhere, please report it)


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